


Blind To It All

by bannering



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst, F/M, Female Friendship, Friends to Lovers, I Don't Even Know, I Love 1 Emotionally Crippled Old Man, Oh Boy Is He Gonna Be Blindsided, Slow Burn, Slow Burn-ish, annoyed to friends to lovers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:00:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 31,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25133533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bannering/pseuds/bannering
Summary: An injured woman shows up at Jackson a couple of months after Joel and Ellie. Ellie takes an immediate liking to her; Joel does not.Set right after the ending of The Last Of Us I.(There are no major The Last of Us II spoilers here.)
Relationships: Joel (The Last of Us)/Original Character(s), Joel (The Last of Us)/Original Female Character(s), Joel (The Last of Us)/Reader
Comments: 72
Kudos: 261





	1. I walk

**Author's Note:**

> look. bf is playing tlou2 and it brought up all my Joel feels and I had no outlet for these feelings, except maybe fiction
> 
> this work is named after That Ellie Song, and so will the chapters.
> 
> ALSO it's technically an OC but I won't describe her appearance much for all you /Reader needs. I contemplated the old (Y/N) but, honestly, I think it's ugly and I'm tired of it. so, sorry.
> 
> I haven't written in quite some time, years maybe? so I'm sorry about all of this  
> also, I'm ESL so pardon my french (ha! get it? me neither)  
> (I'm sorry about any mistakes in the writing)
> 
> for those of you who know what happens, it ain't happening here.  
> for those who don't, nothing happens.

She is bloody.

She is bloody and hurt.

Bloody, hurt, her vision is going dark and everything hurts. Everything. 

But she can see the lights ahead of her, the tall wall (and, she assumes, snipers sitting atop it), and she can hear something unmistakably life-like. She sees lights and she hears life, and that’s enough to get her going even if her body is begging to stop and rest. Stop and rest, maybe forever. 

On the back of her mind, she hopes it’s forever.

Dog is at her side and when she's giving in to the pain, he nudges her leg, urging her to keep going. That’s what she thinks that is, at least; that’s what her human brain is trained to interpret. But Dog is a dog, after all. 

This thought makes her chuckle and there’s some life in her, yet. Enough to make her reach the wall. Enough to make her collapse in front of the wall while she hears a few shouts, Dog snarling and the sound of that wooden gate opening up, right before everything fades to black.

—

“How is she, Doc?”, she hears a woman's voice coming from beside her. She tries opening her eyes, but they won’t obey her, having not slept this long in quite some time. Maybe years. She feels weak and she's trying to fight it, but she’s lying down, she feels Dog on the foot of the bed. It’s the most rested she’s felt in days.

“She wasn’t in the best shape, I’ll tell you that”, a man responds. “But she’ll pull through, that’s for certain.”

‘I’ll pull through. A doctor said I'll pull through.’ 

With that, she falls asleep.

—

“What is this thing doing here?”, a man’s voice wakes her up. It’s deep and he has a southern accent. She hears the door behind him close.

“It won’t leave her side,” another man, with a similar accent, answers. She doesn’t know what they’re talking about and the process of opening up her eyes is strenuous. “We tried dragging it out of here, but it wouldn’t budge. It bit Jesse, though not too hard.” Ah, they’re talking about Dog. The other man laughs at that, apparently amused at that woman’s injury.

“Shoulda shot it,” it’s his reply. 

Like that, she speaks, though her eyes continue shut. 

“He’s a dog, not a thing,” Her attempt at sounding tough and severe is weakened by her low, broken up voice. She hasn’t spoken in quite some time. She’s basically whispering, though they can hear her. 

A beat of silence. “Does it have a name?” the dog-shooter asks.

“He does,” she says, pointedly, offering no follow-up. She squints at first, taking in her body, then her surroundings. They did a pretty good job of patching her up, she must remember to thank whoever that was later. The knife wound doesn’t look as bad now, having been cleaned, and the broken ribs are… well, broken. It hurts, but there was not a lot they could do. She touches her forehead and feels some stitches. ‘Oh, that’s gonna leave a mark.’

Then, for her surroundings. She’s in a normal room, lying down in a normal bed. For a split second, she thinks she should be on a hospital bed, but those don’t exist anymore and neither do hospitals. That was before. Dog lifts his head when sees her doing the same, but otherwise doesn’t move. Next to her, sitting on a chair, there’s a man with a somewhat long, brown hair, with a rifle in between his thighs. He’s dangling it from hand to hand, the stock resting on the floor. He looks a bit older than her, but not by much. His face is serious, but not threatening. It’s probably a good sign she’s not tied up, though she wouldn’t dare hope these people are any better than the ones she’s met.

Dog-shooter is standing next to him. He looks older, with grey hair and grey specks on his beard, and taller. They both look at her.

“Where am I?” Her voice is strained as she props herself up on her elbows. The man sitting on the chair offers her a glass of water. She’s daring to hope a bit more now. That’s not good.

“This is my community. It’s called Jackson.” 

She drinks the water and nods in gratitude. “And how are you called?” 

He smiles. “I’m Tommy. This right here,” he points at dog-shooter “is Joel.” Joel nods at her, though his face is unwavering. If there’s any threat, it’s not coming from the man with the rifle.

“Do I have any of you to thank for these bandages and stitches?” It doesn’t escape her, or either of them, that she hasn’t introduced herself yet. A part of her feels like this isn’t a group interview at a startup. Another part of her knows that being coy about oneself in this world is not a good sign.

“No, that would be–” 

“What’s _your_ name?” They both speak at the same time, so she decides to be polite. She turns to the man standing, the dog-shooter. His question was stern, to the point. He seemed like a no-bullshit man.

“I’m Charlie.” Still staring at him, she tries to maintain her composure, though it’s hard with the wounds and the pain. And the fear.

Someone enters the room. “And she’s alive!” the blond woman cheerfully comments, smiling a bit. Tommy sits up, offering her his seat. ‘Oh, so it’s _her_ community, not his.’

“We were wondering when you were gonna wake up...” she trails off and Tommy giver her the girl's name. “Charlie,” she says matter-of-factly, now taking a look at her wounds. “I’m Maria.” She offers Charlie her hand and she takes it, though she’s suspicious of the blonde’s liveliness. “You were in quite a bad shape out there, when we found you. But no bite, so a good sign.”

Charlie hesitates before offering a “Thank you.” She hesitates some more. “I mean it.”

“Oh, I know.” Maria eyes the men and they leave, Tommy putting his hand on Joel’s back and guiding him out. Dog lifts his head again only to lay back down on Charlie's calf when they shut the door behind them. “Now…”

“… How did I get here?”, Charlie asks, guessing what’s on the other woman’s mind. 

At that, Maria smiles. “My curiosity is only natural." 

“I agree. It’s your community, you treated me. It’s the least I can do,” Charlie lies. She’s not willing to give up her story that easily, she never has and the apocalypse certainly hasn’t changed that. If anything, it had made it worse. But she’s buying some time while she thinks of something else she could offer. “Other than, y’know, paying you.” 

There’s a puzzled look on Maria’s face. Charlie can’t tell if she’s amused, because she doesn’t believe her, or if she’s genuinely curious as to how she plans on doing that. 

“I didn’t come walking all the way here–”

“Figured,” Maria interrupts, but Charlie pays no attention to her irony.

“I drove a car some of the way here and it’s filled with ammunition, guns…,” she trails off, losing herself in her own story.

“'Filled' as in…”

Charlie sighs. “As in ‘up to the brim’. Bullets, weapons, assault rifles, there’s even a rocket-launcher, which, in my opinion, it’s a bit overkill, but who knows.” she shrugs, ignoring the surprised look on the older woman’s face. 

“I… I’m definitely interested, but I wasn’t planning on making you pay, y’know?” Maria gets up and approaches Dog, who eyes her warily but still lets her pet him. “I’m just trying to figure out what kind of person you are. I protect my people, so letting someone I don’t know in here is a big risk.” She smiles at Dog. “And if you're planning on staying here, all the more reason–" 

“I’m not.” Charlie snaps. Maria stops petting Dog and he complains, lifting his head. Maybe he can feel her heartbeat rise. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to– I don't–,” she sighs. “I appreciate it, I do. I’m thankful that you all saved me, but I do not plan on staying here.” She lies down again, her arms tired. “I saw lights and I heard the sound of people, so I think my body went into survival mode. It was a bet that paid off.”

“But?”

“But I have no interest in sticking around any more than I need to,” Charlie explains. Looking at her wounds, she continues: “I know I’m not fit to go out and be on my own. Not just yet, anyway. Hence the payment.”

“You’re not fit to leave yet. You just said it. So, I still need to know what kind of person you are.”

Charlie sighs. She’s not getting out of that.

—

Outside the room, Tommy and Joel are still waiting for Maria. Jesse is still at his post, standing next to the door and holding a gun. He’s fresh out of the training sessions, so they have him on guard duty this week. Since now there’s someone to guard. Looking at the bandage on his arm, Joel stifles a laugh.

“So, what you come after me for?” the younger of the brother asks. Joel scratched the back of his head. “Does it have anything to do with Ellie?”

“Are you sure she’s fit for training? We’ve only been here a couple months, let her breathe for–” 

“Joel,” Tommy says, his voice stern. Their relationship is not as bad as it once was. It’s getting patched up in small actions on their day to day life in Jackson. Joel’s got a lot to redeem himself for and he knows it, so he’s mostly been keeping to himself. But the latest assignments from Maria sprung inside him that same old fear regarding Ellie. “You two have been through so much. Y’know what she’s capable of, right?”

Joel gruffs. He knows. He’s always known, more than anyone maybe, how strong she is, how she can hold herself. That doesn’t mean he’s gonna suddenly kick back and relax. Not after everything that happened. Sometimes, he wakes up in cold sweat after his least favorite nightmare: in it, he doesn’t go after Ellie. He lets her be the guinea pig of an experiment that might fail and, because of that, she dies. The nightmare has different endings: sometimes the vaccine fails and Ellie’s dead for no reason. She’s dead because of an arrogant doctor with a God complex. Sometimes, the nice doctor succeeds. The experiment is a success and they manage to manufacture a few vaccines at a time and slowly, very slowly, but surely, things start to get better. 

He’s not sure which ending he hates the most.

For the most part, while they’re waiting on Maria outside the room, Joel stays quiet. He wants to push, he wants to put Ellie on kitchen or babysitting duty, something safe inside the community, but no one is allowing that. Least of all her.

When Maria exits the room with the newcomer, she nods at Jesse. She looks at the two brothers and Joel thinks he sees a shadow of concern and dread in her eyes, but it goes as quickly as it appears.

“What you doing here, Joel?” she asks and then turns to Tommy. “If this has anything to do with Ellie, then–“

Tommy interrupts: “Nah, he just came to see how we were doin' with this new girl. Check stuff out, see if there’s anything to worry about.”

Joel is thankful but doesn’t say it. “So, is there?”

Again, he sees the dread. “It doesn’t seem like it, but better safe than sorry.” She turns to Jesse: “You’re staying put. She’s not gonna be on her feet anytime soon, so no need to lock the door. Still, if you don’t feel safe, here are the keys. Eugene is bringing her dinner from the kitchen later on.” She hands him the keys and Jesse nods, he’s a little frightened of his first solo assignment. “You two,” Maria says and points at the exit of the building with her head, as she walks outside. They follow her. “New girl is packed. She hasn’t got anything on her, but she claims there’s some stuff she left behind in an old car. Someone is gonna need to check it out with her once she’s up and about, so I thought of you two.”

“Really?,” Joel scoffs, stopping to take a look around him. Every day, he’s more impressed at this place, its hanging lights, the feel of a small town, its sense of security, albeit a fake one. But he can’t let his guard down, not once, not ever. “How packed?" He can’t imagine a girl like that having access to many weapons.

“Rocket launcher packed,” she whispers a little as they pass some people on the streets. Maria, always the leader, nods at them and wishes them a good evening. At Tommy’s surprised face, she says: “Yeah, that was the face I made. I don’t fully buy it. On the other hand, seems like it would be a dumb lie.”

“People do dumb things,” Tommy offers, shrugging. 

But the plan is being devised either way. Once Charlie's good enough to walk, she’ll lead Joel and Tommy to her car. They will either grab the supplies or drive the car to the entrance, depending on the vehicle’s condition, and once inside, they’ll count the merchandise. She will take some of it, along with her personal belongings, and then she will be on her way. If Tommy and Joel find it weird that the girl won’t be staying, they don’t say a thing.


	2. Through the valley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here it is, chapter 2.
> 
> i'm excited about this because I've been writing a lot these past few days. more than I have in years. literal years.  
> i have a good feeling about this, fellas.
> 
> anyways, enjoy!

Charlie manages to walk on her own not long after.

She was surprised at how they were treating her. Sure, she heard the lock the nights she slept in that room, but they were treating her wounds and feeding her. They were even giving separate meals to Dog, which was a nice touch. Most places wouldn’t do that and they certainly wouldn’t do it without anything in exchange. She’d promised them ammunition and guns, but that’s all it was up until then. A promise.

But she won’t need their help for much longer, which is a relief. She’s never been good at owing people anything, least of all her life, so everything that had happened was weighing down on her. Charlie tries stretching as she thinks about her experience so far, but her ribs still hurt. She thinks about doing push-ups in her tiny bedroom and feels a bit like Sarah Connor on that Terminator movie. Except no one thinks she’s crazy. ‘I promised them a rocket launcher. They _should_ think I’m crazy.’ 

Dog sees her movements and huffs. 

“Oh, you think I can’t do this?” Charlie dares, giving him a pointed look. “You’ll see." 

One push-up in and her arms hurt, which makes her hiss, which causes her to choke on her own spit and then cough her lungs out, which worsens the pain in her ribs.

She can’t do it. 

Charlie stands up, trying to push in small breaths. Dog sighs.

“Asshole.” 

Sounds come from the outside of the room and she hears the lock before the door opens.

“There’s my favorite patient!” exclaims Jonah, bringing her breakfast on a tray. A tortilla and some eggs. She can’t remember the last time she had eggs.

The old man had been treating her for a couple of days and was very chatty, not really Charlie’s cup of tea. But her intuition had been good to her so far and he seemed, if not harmless, even a bit fun to be around. He certainly was trying his best to make her feel comfortable and tend to her wounds. Enduring a bit of over-familiarity seemed like a small price to pay for that. It had been his voice she heard first when she was barely conscious.

“How many patients are there, Doc?” she plops down on the bed, ready to be examined. Dog stands up from the corner and greets the man, all too anxious about his food. 

Jonah smiles at him, pets him and puts the tray on the bed. “Pssh, does that even matter?,” he inquires, taking the bowl of scraps of meat and placing it on the floor for Dog. He turns to her, takes his stethoscope and begins listening to her lungs. “Maria wanted to know if you were better already for a field trip. I don’t know what that means,” he admits, putting the stethoscope back on his neck and checking her cuts, “but I told her it was up to you. How are you feeling?”

“I get tired easily, but, other than that, I’m fine,” she admits. Charlie knows there’s nothing else to do, except for letting time do its thing, though she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t feeling antsy staying in that room for so long, depending on other people for so much.

“That’s good to hear.” Jonah smiles. Then, he pauses. “I have requested that you be moved somewhere else. We don’t have prisons here, but this is the closest thing to it. There’s a room on the newcomers' house for women and I have put in–”

“I appreciate it, Doc. But no thanks.” She gets up and turns to her side, pulling up her shirt high enough that he can look at her ribs. She knows the drill by now. There’s an awkward silence as he examines her. She never missed awkward silences and she sure as hell hates them now.

“You’re not staying.” It’s not a question. 

“No.”

“I see. Well, then,” he touches her arm, signaling she can lower her shirt. “I guess this makeshift prison will be fine for you until you decide to leave.” 

“I guess so.” 

—

Charlie leaves the room for the first time, Maria at one side, Dog at the other. The older woman is taking her somewhere so they can discuss how to get what she’s promised them. She’s talking about Jackson, about the people, the community, greeting whoever passes their way, but Charlie isn’t listening. It’s been a while she has seen a town like that, especially one that felt like a town. And now, they are all staring at her. The new girl. She’s been the new girl a few times, even though she’s not that young, and it’s always bad, which is why she never wants to stay. Some of them are curious about the new dog, though he doesn’t care about anything in particular.

Until they pass a playground with a few children playing and some older kids watching them. Dog stops and looks at them, for the first time distant from Charlie. She sighs and stands next to him, noticing the joy and carelessness in the kids. Maria crosses her arm next to her but doesn’t say anything. They stand there for a while. A teenager approaches them, greeting Maria.

“Hey, Ellie. This is Charlie and her dog…” she trails off, not knowing his name.

“Dog.” Charlie offers, chuckling sadly.

“That’s a weird name,” the girl says, as she gets closer to the animal. “Can I pet him?” When Charlie nods her head, smiling, she rubs his ears, seeing his tail wiggle. In her free time, Ellie likes playing with the dogs of the compound or helping out the people in charge of the ranch so she can be close to the horses. It might be her favorite part of this new life in Jackson, though she’s excited about training. A long time ago, when she was in the QZ, Ellie had a friend who loved dogs and who knew every single kind. He even started drawing some of them, taking inspiration from the girl’s hobby. That’s how she knew Dog looked a lot like a border collie. 

“It’s the first time I’ve seen this dog get away from you.” Maria’s inviting a whole conversation here, though Charlie is not in the mood. She’ll try to go through this conversation as nonchalantly as possible but she doesn’t know if she’ll succeed.

“He was my brother’s, who was about your age, I think? Maybe younger.” Charlie’s speaking to Ellie. She turns to Maria, her voice quieter: “I think he misses him. This is the first time he’s seen kids ever since my brother died.” Maria’s body tenses up, but Charlie ignores it, turning to Ellie. “My brother named him when he got Dog as a kid, by the way. It explains the weird name.”

“Oh,” she says, feeling a bit stupid for talking about this. She didn’t know, of course, but it was a sensitive topic. “I’m sorry,” Ellie offers, still petting Dog. He seems to enjoy her some.

“Thank you.” Charlie’s voice comes out lifeless, automatic. “We should get going,” she says and turns around, not waiting for Maria. She doesn’t even know where they’re going, but she can’t stand the playground anymore. Eventually, Maria and Dog join her and they make their way to a building near the entrance. 

Inside, dog-shooter and his buddy are waiting for them. In the middle of the room, there’s a table with a map on top. Charlie’s not sure if she’s supposed to point to the car on the map. She doesn’t know where it is, all she knows is how to get there.

“Charlie, you’ve met Joel and Tommy, right?” Maria asks, but it’s not really a question. She knows the woman has met them. At Charlie’s nod, she continues: “Well, they’re coming with you to your van, to help out with any threats and help you carry the cargo here.”

“It’s a lot for two people only,” Charlie furrows her bows. Do they not believe her? “If we’re carrying all that stuff here, we’re gonna need help. Plus, we might be too vulnerable outside for that long, doing the back and forth.”

“What’s your suggestion?” Tommy asks.

“We get the car here,” she says, matter of factly.

“I’m sorry, I just have this one thing on my mind,” Joel says, from the other side of the table. Charlie can tell, from his voice, he’s not actually sorry. “I’m assuming these 'weapons and ammo’...” The air quotes make him look ridiculous. Yeah, they don’t believe her. “… aren’t yours.”

“They are yours.” Being a smartass isn’t Charlie’s best course of action, but she dislikes dog-shooter. So, she doesn’t care. Maria gives her a look. The younger woman rolls her eyes and crosses her arms. “No, I stole them.”

“Right. And who’s to say whoever she stole these things from aren’t comin' after us, huh? She promised a goddamn rocket launcher, for cryin' out loud,” he’s pretty much yelling at this point. He’s so new to this place, he has bet everything on the safety of the town. So he's angry at the assignment. Angry at Maria for letting this woman in. Angry at everyone for trusting her so blindly. Angry at this woman for being a smartass. "Who the _hell_ sees their stuff missing and goes ‘Well, there’s that’? No one, I tell ya."

“Joel…” Tommy interrupts, but he’s too heated to be stopped. He’s leaning on the table, his stance threatening.

"And now, _you_ ,” he points at Charlie, outraged, "have us go around chasin' this so-called ‘cargo’ that you’re just givin' to us. Why? Nothin’s free in this world,” he raises his arms in irritation. He turns to Maria: “If you ask me, she’s dropping this shit on us so whoever is comin' after her–"

“Joel, enough!” Maria yells, banging her hand on the table. There’s a beat of silence.

“They are dead.” The lifeless voice has come back to Charlie. This time, Maria knows why. “All but one.” 

“Ah, so there _is_ a loose end.” He’s got a winning smile on his face. Charlie hates it so much she can’t contain herself. 

“Yes! So if you see a man with one cheek missing, go ahead and pull the trigger, will ya? You’ll be doing me a huge favor,” she shouts, her blood boiling inside her. “There’s your loose end, asshole.” 

It’s the last thing she says before she storms off.

— 

It took some convincing from Maria, but they had to get to the van before dark. Not long after their discussion, all three are at the gate. Joel and Tommy go out first, their guns still holstered. Snipers can take care of any threat this close to home. Charlie follows them with Dog at her side.

The mere presence of the animal was annoying Joel. No matter how many times Maria claimed that the dog had to be by the other woman's side, Joel argued that he was a nuisance at best and, at worst, he’d hinder their efforts, draw attention and maybe even get infected. She bit back, abrasive, furious at him for whatever reason. Maria claimed Charlie had survived with him so far and end of discussion. Now, they were outside.

“So, where is it?” Tommy stops and asks. She points with her head.

“About a mile or two that way.”

“You don’t know how far it is?” Joel asks. He can’t believe this is a mission, still reeling from their argument earlier. But this, taking some new person, a new threat to their community, and her stupid fucking dog to her imaginary stash of weapons that includes an imaginary rocket launcher. Then, she's gonna leave the community, knowing full well where it’s located, after dropping this massive stash she stole on them. If she makes it out alive. What a fucking joke.

“I apologize if I was too injured to be aware of the precise distance. I still know where it is,” she says, curtly. Dog has taken the lead now, and it’s almost like it was before. Whatever direction she was walking to, he’d stay a couple of feet in front of her, sniffing out any threats, checking the perimeter. Her brother had been right. At the memory of him, she recoils a bit. For a second, Charlie can’t breathe and she doesn’t know if it’s her body or her mind. 

“If the car was workin'...” he says, doubting her story. She doesn’t miss it and, quite frankly, is glad at the opportunity to lash out at him. Their animosity will keep her brain from going to places she’s not comfortable going to. “Why didn’t you bring it all the way to the gate?”

“Would you have wanted me to drive a loud vehicle that close to a safe, gated community?” Charlie raises her brows as she looks at him. The thought of her shooting him to shut his mouth passes her mind quickly. ‘Self-care’, she thinks and turns her head so he doesn’t see her small smile. It never ceases to amaze her how normal killing another human being is now. “I sped up trying to get here and stopped far enough that it wouldn’t pose a threat but still not too far that I couldn’t walk there. Unless you wanted me to be as loud as possible.”

Tommy tries to conceal a smile but fails. When he sees Joel’s angry face, he speaks: “Well, appreciate it. There aren’t many infected in this area, we try clearing them out every day.” Thanking her would make him even more bitter. This is _perfect_. 

Tommy is more amused than he should be.

“Yeah, I noticed. But I traveled from somewhat far and could have brought some fuckers along. Didn’t wanna risk it.” Right now, Charlie is thinking she fucked up. In her injured state and with her vision going foggy, she thought the lights were a lot closer than they were and the long walk to the gates took its toll on her body. She could’ve driven closer, though she’d never admit it. Going uphill, her breathing is getting more labored. She hopes they don’t notice it and tries some of the exercises Jonah recommended. 

“You said you sped up.” Tommy points out. Charlie looks at him and nods. “Whaddya mean? You knew where you were going?”

“Yeah.” Though she wasn’t willing to give up unnecessary information so easily, the reason Charlie wasn’t speaking much was to try and catch her breath.

“Would you care to elaborate?” Joel’s tone is unfriendly. 

“I had heard of this place,” she says, stopping on top of a rock. She looks at the makeshift road ahead, trying to find the best path. Dog joins her. “About a month ago, I was trading information with a few travelers. One of them mentioned Jackson as a reference point. Apparently, they dealt with Maria a long time ago and had a falling out when the town was being built.” There’s a beat of silence as she’s guiding them through the trees. Charlie stops and looks back at them, their faces constrict. “You can’t expect a town this big to go unnoticed.”

“Well, not unnoticed. But we like takin' care of our own, so it’s good to know these things,” Tommy admits.

Charlie shrugs and continues walking. “Maria knows all of this.” 

A few minutes later, the van is a lot more visible and they walk faster, the destination so close. Quietly, Charlie approaches the back of the vehicle and looks around for any infected. When she motions to open the back door, Joel speaks up.

“Uh-uh. Back away,” he points the gun mostly at the door, motioning with it for her to stand back. 

Dog doesn’t take the threat lightly and snarls at him, getting closer. Charlie raises her hand, annoyed, and shushes him quietly, taking a few steps back. He stays by her side, his eyes not leaving Joel, even if the man’s back is all Dog can see, now that he got closer to the van. 

Joel looks at the door in the back of the van, its tinted windows so black he can’t see what’s inside. Carefully, he opens the door to the van and is taken aback. He doesn’t even try to conceal his surprise. “Jesus Christ. Did you raid a military camp or something?” 

There’s ammunition to last them a whole year, several assault rifles, handguns, a crossbow – which he assumes it’s hers. There’s a backpack thrown in there, its content falling from one crate to the floor of the van. Joel sees some papers, a book and an old iPod. He hasn’t seen one of those in ages and, for a split second, he forgets she’s an inconvenience and wonders what kind of music she listens to.

Charlie looks away, trying to banish the thoughts that sprung to her mind. “Or something.”

“Whaddya know... A rocket launcher.” Joel picks up the weapon and places it on his shoulder, looking through the optical sight. It hasn’t got the best zoom, but complaining about a bazooka in the middle of the apocalypse feels very weird, though he can’t imagine when they would use it. He puts it down and sees two long crates, assuming that the ammo for it is in there. Tommy is already inside the van, counting the boxes, when he turns around.

“This is… a lot,” he says, crouching down. “You’re sure you wanna give it all to us?”

“Not all of it, I need some with me when I leave. Other than that, yeah, I’m sure,” she shrugs. “I would’ve died if it weren’t for you lot, even if I’m not entirely sure my life is worth _that_ much.” She eyes the cargo. Shit. It was supposed to be a joke, but that might have been a lot for her.

Joel looks at her, recognizing the sadness and lack of self-worth. He looks down for a second, regretful, and then he thinks he hears something. Taking a few steps next to the van, he approaches some bushes quietly. Dog’s ears have perked up and Charlie notices it – now she’s alert, reaching for her gun. ‘There’s something here’, she thinks and looks at Tommy. He attempts to get out from inside the car, tip-toeing even in his crouched position. The smallest noise and all can go to hell. Joel turns around, approaching the other two, having not seen anything to be afraid of.

As Tommy exits, the car screeches, its rusted parts accusing themselves. Right then, an infected surges from behind the bushes, rushing towards Joel’s body, making him turn around, but he’s not that fast. Charlie shoots it in the head, though, killing the infected instantly. He looks at the woman, wanting to express that he’s thankful, but there’s no time. Infected nearby must’ve heard the shot and though they might be distant, the three can hear the screeches. 

“You’re sure I can get this thing to the gate?,” Tommy hurriedly asks, rushing to the driver’s seat.

Charlie is breathless. This is not good. She still manages to wheeze a “Yes.” and enters the back of the vehicle, closing the door behind Dog with a slam. Joel joins Tommy in the front of the vehicle and mutters a “Go, go, go.” Tommy tries to start the car once. It fails. Twice.

“C’mon!” He’s angry and frustrated. “You said it's workin’!” he shouts.

“It is!” Charlie shouts back. She can hear the infected getting closer, the car making a loud sound every time the engine revs. She considers breaking the glass of the door to shoot any infected that might get too close, but she doesn’t want to do that. She’s been sleeping in that car for quite some time and breaking the window means being too exposed. She has to think about what’s gonna happen later. 

Third time is the charm though, and the van starts moving. 

She can see Joel is vigilant, his gun pointed at the outside through the window. “I can see another one, let’s go, let’s go!” he yells as he pulls the trigger. Charlie can’t see what’s happening outside, but that infected surely died. Her breathing is getting more labored and her ribs don’t hurt. She knows later on, when the adrenaline goes down, it's gonna hurt like crazy. Right now, though, all she wants is Tommy to get that car to the gate.

“Open up!” he shouts a minute later. Going downhill with a car has its perks, they weren’t too far. She hears more shots, coming from the snipers this time, and the gate opening up and then closing. 

For a few seconds, when Tommy shuts off the car, the three stay still and Charlie can hear her heartbeat as wild as the breathing of the two men. With her elbows on her knees, she lets her head drop a bit and feels Dog nudging it, licking her face. If they had carried all that stuff to Jackson, they would’ve died, for sure. That was a close call, but not the worst one Charlie’s ever had. Still, she’s injured. Any minute now and the pain will increase. She smiles sadly at the dog and pets him, before gathering her stuff and putting her backpack on her shoulder, not bothering to close it. She opens the door, takes her crossbow and hastily leaves the van. A few snipers shots here and there can be heard and she passes Maria, with a worried look on her face. Charlie just keeps walking further away, Dog at her side.

“Charlie?” Joel calls out, but she’s not interested in what he has to say. She just needs to get away and breathe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love my baby asshole joel


	3. Of the shadow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never know what goes for slow burn these days, but I have a feeling this is gonna be slow burn-ish.  
> it's gonna have 10 chapters, tops.  
> I think.
> 
> anyways, enjoy! :)

Charlie walked, though she wasn’t sure where she was going. 

This place was new to her and she had only been out and about for a few hours before – how was it that Maria described it? – their field trip. She doesn’t seem to be in control of her legs, though. They are just taking her far. Her head is down, ignoring everything and everyone around. There’s a distinct noise coming from her backpack, her things rattling in there. She wants to stop and see what it is. She wants to never stop. 

Charlie hears someone call out her name but doesn’t stop. She’s out of breath, but she keeps going.

“Hey, wait up!” a girl says. She recognizes her from early in the day. Ella? Ellie. She slows down her pace, trying as much as she can not to be mean or aggressive to someone who doesn’t deserve it. But she’s filled with rage and fear and that gnawing feeling on her chest of not being with her own people. Though it’s not her favorite combo, she’s barely felt anything else in the last few years.

“Yes?” Charlie asks, though it comes out a bit harsh. This time, she does stop and notices where she is. 

Close to the gardens and the chicken coop, a few benches were installed. She’s just stopped in front of one of them. It’s on top of a mound, so you can see a bit more of the view. The sun is starting to set, the sky is a bright orange, there are tiny chicks chattering. Soon, it’ll be nightfall. 

She sits down, tired. The girl sits next to her, though not too close. Dog has taken his usual post, standing beside Charlie, but she knows he’s interested in the kid. He misses kids. He misses one kid in particular. Charlie pats the bench in between her and Ellie. Dog gets up and looks at Charlie. She smiles.

“I just… heard a few shots. Were you on that assignment? Whoa.” Ellie is surprised when Dog starts sniffing her and then licks her face. She giggles and that sound hurts Charlie in ways she wasn’t sure was possible. Dog lies his head on the young girl’s lap and she plays with his fur. 

“That means he likes you.” 

She doesn’t want to talk about the assignment. She doesn’t want to talk at all, her ribs are finally giving her the pain she’d been expecting. The breathing exercises from Jonah. Again, she tries them. They stay like that for a while. 

When Ellie heard the shots, she rushed to the gate. Upon seeing Joel alive and well, she was relieved. Then, she saw Charlie with a cool crossbow running the opposite direction and she thought how amazing it would be to learn how to shoot an arrow. She followed Charlie because she liked the crossbow and she liked the dog and she liked the tattoos, so maybe she would like her. Ellie was curious and the woman seemed nice. Right now, though, she’s not sure. She thinks maybe she should go, leave her alone with her thoughts, but Dog is resting on her lap and she doesn’t want to disturb that peace.

“Did you want anything?” Charlie asks, trying to sound as polite and nice as possible. This is a tough question to ask sincerely.

“Um, it’s nothing.” Ellie says, regretting it immediately. She had so much she wanted to ask. “Cool crossbow,” she adds, nonchalantly. 

“Oh. Thanks.” Charlie drops it and the backpack on the floor. She rolls up the sleeves to her leather jacket and intertwines her fingers, taking a long breath. Her ribs hurt, but she’s more concerned about not being able to breathe. Are the panic attacks back?

“Cool tattoos, too. And I read that edition of Spider-man, it’s one of my favorites. _What_ is _that_?” It all comes out in one breath. Charlie chuckles. She thinks Ellie noticed the tattoos when she rolled up her sleeves and then saw the Spider-man edition on her open backpack, but she has no idea what the girl means with “that”. Still, Charlie smiles.

“You’re one of those annoyingly curious and nosy kids, aren’t you?” When she talks and keeps her mind occupied with the present, there’s not a lot of room to think. 

“Hey!,” Ellie pretends to be offended. “My curiosity is perfectly healthy.” 

“Ah, so that’s a yes.” Charlie smiles, looking at her. She wonders if Parker would’ve liked her and that sends her spiraling. Trying to get a hold of herself, she looks for a distraction. “What were you asking about?”

“That,” Ellie points, no longer petting Dog. He whines.

Charlie looks at the iPod the girl pointed at but can’t see the earbuds. 

When things were becoming too much for Parker, she’d just find them a place to hole up and leave him listening to music while she scavenged for food, bullets, anything that could help them survive. There was a charging chord there somewhere, she doesn’t know if it still works. That was always the tricky part, finding a new charging chord every once in a while and a place with solar power or anything that could charge the iPod. It’s been dead for quite some time. For longer than Parker has. None of these thoughts are good and Ellie notices.

“Are you hurt? Do you need me to take you to Jonah?”

Charlie hadn’t noticed, but when Ellie asks if she’s okay, she feels she’s on the verge of tears and just nods, knowing full well no doctor is going to heal her. Ellie and Dog take the lead and she follows them. This image conjures another one.

The panic attacks are back.

—

“I don’t know if you can leave just yet.” Jonah claims. He looked at her pupils and listened to her breathing. Everything was exactly like it was when he checked on her the last time. No fever, no visible wounds, stitches still in place. Ellie is the room with them, sitting on a chair and reading the Spider-man edition. Charlie sees that and knows that, at some point, the girl reached inside her bag, but she can’t bring herself to mind.

“Don’t you get soft on me, Doc.” Her attempt at sounding playful and detached is useless. She arrived at his place a bumbling mess. He sees right through her, so she sighs. “I can’t stay. I have… things to do.”

Ellie perks up her ears but pretends to read.

“It’s not your lungs,” the doctor says. He gives Charlie a pointed look, like he knows what it is and knows that she knows too, but is in the denial. Which she is. She knows she is. Denial is all she has. At the end of the road that begins with denial, there's acceptance. She was not interested in acceptance. “You’d benefit from staying. Your ribs haven’t fully healed yet. I have stitches to remove.”

“You can stay a little while,” the girl offers, still acting like she’s reading the comic book, but her expression is almost playful. Charlie knows it’s an act. “Teach me how to use that thing.”

The woman chuckles lightly. Jonah furrows his brows. 

“She means my crossbow.” She tries thinking but sees no way out. She’s in no condition to leave right now. “Are you sure I can’t leave?”

“Are you sure you want to?" 

—

When Charlie and Ellie leave Jonah’s house, Tommy is outside waiting for the woman. Charlie freezes for a second but walks in his direction. He seems surprised.

“Ellie… What you doin’ here?”

“Oh, just dropping off Doc's latest patient. Y’know. Like an ambulance.” She smiles, receiving a light chortle from him. Ellie motions to leave, then turns back to him. “Oh, and thanks for putting me on training. I can’t wait to get started!”

Ellie leaves and Dog stares at her direction, wanting to follow her but remaining at Charlie’s side. She can’t tell what's worse.

“Maria is waitin' for you,” he says, scratching the back of his neck. “We’re at the administration counting the ammo.”

Charlie nods and they walk in silence. She’d promised Maria she’d leave as soon as she was good to go, and she looks good to go, walks like she’s healthy enough, but she knows she’s not. On the back of Charlie’s mind, she’s afraid of what might happen when she leaves, of what she’ll do once she no longer has a purpose. Is asking if she can stay a while longer the same as admitting defeat? Is leaving after she’s better the same as embracing death?

“Um, Joel already set aside the arrows for you, which we won’t have any use for, and a good amount of ammo, which will last you for a while.” He distracts her from her thoughts.

All the fight that was inside her has left the body. Charlie knows he mentioned Joel’s name to ready her for what might happen. But she has nothing else to give, she doesn’t care anymore. So she hums in agreement. 

They continue walking in silence until they reach the room where everything was stashed. There are a couple of people there she doesn’t know, talking to Maria and logging information on a book. Joel is in the corner leaning on the wall, his arms crossed. Dog sees him and snarls, earning a tiny tap from Charlie. He stops.

Everyone grows quiet when Tommy and Charlie enter.

“Hey, Charlie, come see this.” Maria motions for her to come over and shows them a book. “This is our log for the last month,” she points at a number, “and this is our log for this month.” Now, the number she points at is much, much larger. Charlie can’t bring herself to care, but this feels like a coy attempt to thank her. “We were considering sending scavengers and travelers to procure some of these things to us, but thanks to you, that won’t be necessary.”

Charlie smiles automatically, still thinking about what Jonah said. She needs to brace herself for what she’s about to ask Maria. “I’m glad. Your town will put it to better use. Um, where’s my stuff?”

One of the two people that were with Maria show her the stash on top of a table. Ah, so they found her box. She grabs her arrows and ignores the boxes of bullets sitting next to them. Next to them, a cardboard box with Parker’s old bow sticking out of it, knickknacks she found along the way, things he begged her to take that no longer fit in her backpack. There are books for him and her, a plush shark, her parents’ watches, some family photos she’d kept but no longer felt like carrying around. It was beginning to weigh down on her.

Tommy approaches Maria, which makes Joel get closer. “She was leaving Doc’s house when I found her,” he whispers. “Doesn’t look great.”

Maria looks concerned and motions for everyone to leave. Joel begins to protest but she just rebuffs him with a look. When everyone leaves, she waits for Charlie to turn around so she can speak. But the younger woman beats her to it.

“Your offer to stay here… Does it still stand?"

—

Maria was more receptive than she'd expected. Leaving the building alongside Dog, she’s looking down at the box she’s carrying while thinking about all that was resolved. Charlie would stay, but not forever, just until she felt better. Tomorrow, she would be allocated to one of the rooms in the newcomer’s house, just like Jonah had asked. She would help out around the town in the meantime, so as long as it didn’t interfere with her getting better. 

Dog growls again and she doesn't have to look up to know what the threat is. Or who.

Joel is outside waiting for her. Charlie rolls her eyes and keeps walking to her room, choosing to ignore him. He follows her.

“Whatever it is that you have to say, I’m not interested. I don’t feel like fighting right now,” she offers, still refusing to look at him. Everything feels so dumb now. Especially after she proved she was right, after she gave them almost everything she had, after he almost got bit or died.

“I just wanted to thank you,” he says, his voice low and quiet. At that, she stops and looks at him. He stops too. 

There’s nothing to say to that. It wasn’t a decision as much as it was instinct. He was a person still, part of a community, someone out there must care about him. Hell, even that explanation felt excessive. She wouldn’t let him die just because he was a nuisance. Charlie reserved death for more serious crimes. 

“Oh. That.” She still doesn’t know what to say, so she offers all she can muster right now: “Good night, Joel.” 

Charlie leaves him planted in the middle of the street, alone. 

—

The next day she wakes up, it feels like her first day there. There’s the dread that comes with this part where you meet people, talk to them, engage in conversation. Do you hope they like you? Do you not care? 

Why all this effort if she’s gonna leave eventually?

Maria gives her the day off to stroll about. So she gets up, walks outside for a second and comes back. There’s no more Jesse outside, no one guarding her. She decides to leave her stuff there, her weapons, and her jacket. It’s not too cold out, her tank top will do. It’s been a while since she felt the sun in her arm, let alone in all of her body. Charlie wonders if there’s a lake nearby where she could go alone and try to get her sense of self back. If she runs into Maria, she’ll ask her. Oh, and she needs paint as well.

Walking around with Dog at her side, Charlie realizes it’s one of the few times she has been alone while out in the town. She’s walked with Maria and Tommy, even Ellie has made her some company. But she hasn’t been this alone or vulnerable for a while. It makes her self-conscious and a part of her regrets leaving the jacket in her room. They don’t need to know any more about her than they already do. 

Maria had called it the town’s diner, though it looks nothing like the diners Charlie and her family used to frequent. She doesn’t know what she expected, but it feels like an old bar, with wooden tables and chairs here and there. In the back, some people are working in the kitchen. Not everyone has a house with a functioning kitchen, Maria had said at one point, so these people gather a few times a day there to have their meals. Charlie thinks she might ask to help out in the kitchen. She sees some teenagers eating together, Ellie among them, and she nods at the girl, who seems pleased to see her. 

Maria is there. “Hey, come here.” Charlie sits down with Maria, glad she’s alone. “You know, dogs aren’t usually allowed here, but I know his drill, so he’s fine.” She smiles at Dog and pets him. He doesn’t mind. “Sleep well?”

“Um, yeah. Ribs still acting up, so I woke up a couple of times,” she admits. She can’t believe they’re making small talk. “But otherwise, it’s fine.”

“Okay, that’s good to know. Have you given any thought to our conversation?” she asks, sipping her coffee. The smell is intoxicating. She misses her daily cup of coffee, from before. Maria must notice it and chuckles. “Go out back, ask for Seth a cup of coffee and something for him to eat,” she says, eyeing the dog. “There’s some bread and bacon.” At Charlie’s surprised face, she shrugs. “Soon before you came here, we killed a few of our pigs and had a big party. There were some parts left, so… Bacon.”

Charlie gets up quickly, murmuring a “Jesus.”, which makes Maria laugh, but she’s too far gone, already inside the kitchen. Seth fixes up a bowl of scraps of meat for Dog and a plate for her, adding some eggs as a “welcome gift”. It would have made her feel uncomfortable, this familiarity, this niceness, but it’s bread, bacon and eggs. Most of the things she misses from before are food-related.

Charlie plops down in front of Maria one more time, with her breakfast. She places the bowl on the floor for Dog, who quietly eats. Tommy has joined his wife, but she doesn’t mind. “Mornin', Tommy,” she says, quickly turning to Maria. “I think I can do all of it. Patrol, guard duty. Just not right now. I’d be okay in the kitchen as well, if they need any help, or working around the farm. I’m good with that.” She brings the cup to her lips, smelling the scent first and burning her tongue second. She can hear, on the back of her mind, her dad exclaiming: “Can you really say you’ve had coffee if you didn’t burn yourself in the process?”. It’s a good memory, it pains her less than some of the others.

“Did you live on a farm or somethin’? Y’know, before,” Tommy asks, leaning against the chair. 

“I lived in the suburbs,” Charlie says, a piece of bread in her mouth. It’s rude. She doesn’t care. “But my grandpa had a farm, my family was pretty outdoorsy. Plus, my dad was a bit of a survivalist, so. I think I’m well-equipped for the apocalypse.” She smiles and it’s genuine. She was in such a bad mood when she woke up, but now she’s had bacon and she’s almost chatty. She realizes that and reins herself in. ‘You’re not staying, remember?’

Tommy doesn’t notice, so he just laughs. “Sounds ‘bout right. You seem to be doin’ fine.”

“I actually have a couple of questions. Is there like a lake or any small body of water nearby?”

“Why do you ask?” Maria inquires curiously. 

“Just wondering,” she shrugs. She’s been cooped up in that car for months, suffering, planning, getting closer and then executing her plan. For so long, she felt imprisoned and tied up. She hadn’t realized that it had felt so familiar, closing in the door behind her when they were escaping from the infected. Maybe that’s all she needs, for now. A little bit of quiet nature and the vast space, swimming alone, a wet Dog shaking off the water. She will do that, borrow a horse and go to a lake. Perhaps then she’ll be able to leave this place.

Maria furrows her brows. “What’s the other question?” 

“Oh. Do you have any planks of wood you have no use for? And paint?"

—

The crossbow has seen better days, though it still works perfectly. Charlie’s got some arrows with her, a nice amount, so there’s enough to practice for a while without having to keep coming back for them once she shoots them and hits her target. Charlie had asked for an open field, where she could practice with her crossbow, and lo and behold, Maria had provided. As always.

There’s a long stretch of grass ahead of her, which will be perfect. It’s not too close to the houses, so an accident seems unlikely. On her left, she can see the cemetery. On the right, a lot more field right up until the wall. On top of it, she can see some guards and thinks she recognizes Jesse, though she’s not sure. Charlie drops the planks of wood and starts counting her steps, marking where each target will go. She does that for a while, then gets tired. She decides to lie on the grass and close her eyes while she waits around for the paint, which Maria said she would also provide. Dog lies down and huffs. He too needs to rest.

“Maria said you needed some paint?” She hears Ellie’s voice. Why is she not surprised?

Charlie doesn’t move or even open her eyes. The sun is hitting her quite nicely. She can, however, feel the absence of Dog at her side. “I’m making targets for practice.” She feels Ellie stand next to her, expectantly. The girl is waiting for an invitation, she knows it must be coming. Charlie doesn’t know how Maria found out – perhaps nothing in this town gets past the woman –, but she doesn’t mind. Maybe it’s on purpose, to get her to stay. Maybe she just wants to think that. “Wanna learn?” she asks, opening one eye, before she can stop herself. 'This will be good’.

“Fuck yeah!” The answer comes, excitedly, a second after the question. Ellie has a huge smile on her face. She must really like training.

“Okay, then,” Charlie gets up. Ellie has dropped the buckets of paint by the wood, which is just as well. “Let’s start painting some targets. Don’t forget the bullseye.” 

Not too far from that scene, Joel is at home, staring out his window. He can see Ellie’s excited – the girl was never much for hiding it – and he sees both women getting to work. 

It’s been a while since Ellie has been that way around him. She’s sleeping at the communal home for teens, she’s got her own bedroom. She’s made friends and she’s about to start training. Joel feels a twist inside him. Not that Ellie ever needed him, but they’ve been distant. She likes people and she likes talking, she’s nosy and usually gets her way. He’s… nothing like that. He dislikes people and talking and, as much as Jackson has been good for them, he can’t help but feel a bit bitter that they are not as close as they once were. Their last heart-to-heart, before they came back to Jackson, also doesn’t help. 

He sees Charlie smiling at Ellie, sitting on her ankles while she paints the targets. Ellie is impressionable and this woman can use a crossbow. Can he even compete with that? The bitterness takes over again. He disliked Charlie from just about the get-go and he decides, right then, that he was right from the start. She's saved his life, he’s thanked her. That’s the end of that. 

He won’t let his guard down, not when it comes to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, comments and kudos are appreciated!  
> thanks for everyone who's taken their time to write something. you're making one pretend writer very happy.
> 
> toodles!


	4. Of death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hoo boy. I can't believe I have this entire fic outlined.
> 
> this is definitely going to be finished. I estimate 9 chapters + 1 epilogue
> 
> anyways! thanks for showing up :3 I appreciate it

“So, you’re positive he’s not your dad?” Charlie asks, but in good humor. They just passed Joel on the way to the field in the afternoon. He gave both of them a curt nod but otherwise didn't speak. The older woman wonders how it’s gonna be later that night, when they are together on the tower, guarding the East entrance of Jackson. 

“Yeah,” Ellie chuckles. “We just got stuck together. Why?”

“He’s very... protective of you.” They arrive on the field. Dog knows full well that a lesson is about to take place and no one is leaving the field for a while, so he walks about until he finds a good spot to take a nap.

“Yeah, well.” Ellie shrugs. She doesn’t know what to say, it’s been that way with Joel for quite some time. “Wait.” Suddenly, she stops and Charlie looks back to her, furrowing her brows. How does Charlie know how Joel is with her? “What makes you say that?”

Charlie huffs and waves her hand. “It’s nothing. Let’s not waste any more time.” It doesn’t take a lot of convincing to get back to training. For practice, Maria gives them breaks at the same time, and they are in their fifth lesson already. Ellie is getting really good at this. The girl positions herself and starts shooting.

Charlie stands back, giving some advice here and there, but her thoughts go back to Joel. She's not excited about the prospect of spending hours with him. Not after what happened that morning.

—

Earlier that day, Charlie’s taking a break in the kitchen all by herself. She’s smiling at her plate, thinking back to the lessons she’s giving Ellie. She stares at Dog and wonders how could she have been so stupid. It was obvious the dog missed being around kids, but it was just as clear now that she needed that too. This is dangerous territory, she knows, forming a bond with Ellie. She knows where that had taken her the last time, though the proportions aren’t the same. Ellie is not her brother.

As if to break her away from her thoughts, Joel barges in. 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” He exclaims, pointing at her. Charlie is still sat in her chair. When she sees it's him, though, she just sighs. He’s all bark and no bite.

“I’m eating,” she says, chewing some beans. Her voice is not threatening, it's almost inquisitive. She has no idea what he’s talking about. "What the hell do _you_ think you’re doing?”

“She can't shut up about you,” he blurts out. He has that threatening stance again. He’s leaning against her table on the other side. If he’s already taller than her, this would be enough to make anyone shit their pants. Joel’s angry. Charlie is still confused. “Ellie. If you so much as touch a single–“

“O-kay!” Charlie interrupts, loudly. “First of all, that’s fucked up, Joel. I would never. She’s a kid.” She makes a disgusted face and rubs her eyes, tired. _That’s_ why he barged in? What an ass. "And second, sure, she might be a teensy impressed with me and we might hang around some, but I’m not the one she’s got a crush on.” Charlie stands up, taking her plates to the sink to clean them up. Her attempt to ignore Joel while he’s too angry works, because he shuts up. When she turns around, she sees he has sat down on the opposite chair.

“Hm,” he murmurs. There’s no more anger, no more aggression. It’s all dissipated. Something like frustration takes over. There was a time when all Ellie and Joel had were each other. He knows Ellie’s better off now, but he still misses hanging around with her, knowing what was happening in her life. "So, she’s confiding in you?” Joel looks at her, still suspicious. Charlie picks up two cups of coffee and sits down in front of him, handing him one of them. 

“She didn’t say anything, but I have eyes.” Charlie shrugs and sips. She can tell the frustration is because he’s a bit jealous of her. He had assumed that Ellie had told her all about her when clearly there are some things she keeps to herself. She might even confide in other people. Just not them. He takes a sip. “Eyes not clouded by the overprotective nature of my relationship with her.” This might not be the best time to poke the bear, but he’s vulnerable now. Maybe he’ll be more open to criticism.

Joel sighs and opens his mouth to speak. Charlie beats him to it: “Look, I get it. She’s a special kid. Just–”

“What do you mean? What do you know?” He perks up, eyes searching for anything her expression might offer. 

Charlie raises her arm. “Jesus, Joel. We just talk about our lives,” she says. “You need to calm down. Maybe back off a bit?”

Joel gets up and storms off, leaving Charlie alone in the kitchen.

—

One of the lessons Charlie remembers is their second one.

The girl is very competent, focused and she’s a good company. She would say they talk, but Ellie does all the talking. Charlie mostly listens. The girl talks about her life in the QZ, about traveling with Joel, coming to Jackson. There’s even something in the story about a giraffe that Charlie pretends she doesn’t believe, much to the girl’s frustration.

“There _was_ a giraffe!”

“First of all, fix your stance. Second…”, Charlie looks at the girl, brows slightly furrowed. "Please don’t insult me.”

Ellie cries out. “Ugh, I’m not!”

That’s how they spend most of their time. Charlie teaching her the strategies, the way to hold the bow, how much to pull the arrow, the breathing. And Ellie just talks. Talks about the guitar lessons. She says she’s getting the hang of it and that Joel’s a good teacher. She talks about the other teens too. She hasn’t been here that long, but she has friends. Ellie talks a lot about this one girl, Dina, one of her closest friends. Charlie doesn’t know who that is, she hasn’t been in Jackson that long. She pretends not to notice the slight blush on Ellie’s face whenever her name comes up. A conversation for another time.

“Oh, maybe Dina wants to join us!” she screams excitedly. The woman chuckles. Maybe not for another time.

“We can ask her,” Charlie says, nodding her head towards the girl. At this point, Ellie knows that she needs to hold her bow higher. Charlie tries not to think about Parker’s bow on Ellie’s hand. 

A beat of silence. “Or maybe not…,” her excitement dies down. “I think she’s too busy hanging out with _Jesse_.” 

The older woman tries to conceal a smile, but post-apocalypse jealousy is funny. It’s also ironic that, in the beginning, she thought Jesse was a woman. Still, she doesn’t know how to go about this conversation. Having to talk about sexual orientation while navigating this godforsaken world is not something she anticipated. But she appreciated it when someone talked to her when she was a teen, so she wants to return the favor. 

“Y’know… I had a best friend like Dina when I was about your age,” she begins, distancing herself from Ellie as she removes the arrows from the targets and brings them back. “She had a Jesse, too. I wasn’t a fan of her Jesse, but I put up with him because of her.” Charlie hands her over the bows and looks out onto the field. This memory is a nice one, so she smiles. “He wasn’t a terrible person, I just knew that I liked her a lot more than he liked her. And it infuriated me that my best friend gave this boy all that attention and he wasted it being… well, a boy.” 

The girl doesn’t say a thing, not even a peep. This is unlike her, so Charlie stops. Then, she says eagerly: “And?” 

Charlie smiles again. “And... I never said anything to her. Just, let them be. Not long after, they broke up.” Ellie almost hits a bullseye, the closest she’s ever gotten. Charlie feels proud, but Ellie hasn’t looked at her ever since the Dina talk began. “She had pretty much set me aside during their whole relationship, and I remember being so angry. So, I told her all that I was feeling when she and her boyfriend were together. Everything, every emotion. As soon as I was done with my rant, she did something crazy.”

A beat of silence. Ellie speaks, though it’s almost a whisper: “What?”

“She kissed me.” Charlie shrugs and gives her a half-smile. Ellie gulps. “And then we started dating. We were actually together when this whole thing started.” The woman stops for a while, remembering. She wants this conversation to feel as relaxed and casual as possible, though she knows it’s a sensitive topic regardless. Especially when you’re a teenager. “Well, not _together_ together. I was with my family celebrating my birthday. But we were a couple, is what I meant. She was my first girlfriend.”

Ellie says nothing but misses three consecutive shots. The target is very close, she hadn’t missed them before. Charlie takes a step back.

“I think this is it for today, what do you say?” She asks, already packing up their things. Ellies wants to protest, but Charlie interrupts. “C’mon, we’ve been here for a while and I’m working on the kitchen later. I need to rest.”

As much as Ellie loves training and the time they have together, there’s something in her throat. Or her mind or her heart. Something somewhere inside her body is making it difficult to concentrate. To think about her stance, the way to hold the bow, how much to pull the arrow, the breathing. Charlie had taught her, in their first lesson, that she should take three long breaths: one before drawing, one while drawing and a third as she lets go, exhaling slowly in the last one to keep steady. Right now, her breathing is just irregular. It’s a good thing Charlie has kitchen duty because Ellie wouldn’t have admitted she wanted – or needed – to stop.

They say their goodbyes and part their ways on the street.

—

“It’s the first I’ve seen you without that dog of yours.” Joel is the first to speak. They’re both on the tower, as they call the structure on the wall, where guards supervise the entrance, and will stay that way until someone relieves them in the morning. It’s quiet out, the rustling of leaves and the occasional deer moving about is all that can be heard. She knows it’s not an infected, they don’t move like that. Still, once in a while, one of them will look out the window, just to be safe.

Charlie is surprised. She thought they would spend the entire night in complete silence. “Ellie asked me to take him to movie night.” She’s not sure whether mentioning the girl will make him uncomfortable, bringing back the memory of earlier that day, when he yelled at the woman for hanging out with her. Still, she’s being honest.

He squirms in his seat but otherwise doesn’t say a thing. 

A few hours later, they hear someone climb up the ladder. Joel and Charlie exchange a look, both confused. Relieve is not suppose to come for hours.

“Dog is downstairs, upset that he doesn’t know how to climb a ladder.” They hear Ellie’s voice before they can see her face pop up. Charlie smiles, Joel rolls her eyes.

“Isn’t it a bit late, kiddo?”

“He’ll be fine, come sit with us.”

They both speak at the same time. 

Frustrated, Joel gets up from his chair and reaches for the logbook, pretending to read. He knows she should be in bed right now, safe. He can’t be too sad, though. He knows she’s like that impetuous and free-willed, she worms her way into people’s heart, whether they want it or not. Charlie doesn’t seem to mind, he notices, and, if he’s being honest with himself, he likes that Ellie is here. If being close to Ellie means being close to Charlie, he’ll take it.

Ellie obviously takes her queue from Charlie and plops down on Joel’s chair. 

“How was it?” The woman asks, sipping her cup of coffee. 

“Meh, it was alright.” She shrugs. “It was a Spider-man movie. Dude with a lot of hair saves blonde girlfriend, yadda yadda. Kinda boring.”

“The Amazing Spider-man?” Charlie asks. 

“That’s the one!” she says. She remembers the comic book on Charlie’s backpack and chuckles. “Your little brother would not have liked it. Spider-man is called Peter Parker in this one. I was so confused, I thought his name was Miles Morales.”

Charlie laughs a bit, though she’s bitter at the mention of her brother. They’ve only ever talked about him once, and it was a short conversation. “It’s both.” There’s a silence. “I saw that one. Didn’t like it.”

“It’s not great! And everyone loved it.” Ellie throws her hands up in the air, in frustration. “If your brother liked that comic, then he’d hate…” she trails off, mostly because of the face Joel’s making at her. She had been ranting and didn’t notice when Charlie dipped her head, fiddling with her fingers. She whispers a quiet “Sorry.”

Charlie looks up at the girl and smiles, though the memories coming back to her are painful. “No, you’re probably right. We didn’t see a lot of movies together, but he wasn’t easily pleased.” Another moment of silence. “I think you two would’ve been friends. I hope you two would’ve been friends, actually.” She does. Ellie would’ve helped Parker navigate the town, she was patient and kind, but not patronizing. Only to adults, which is always forgiven.

“What was he like?” Ellie asks. Joel rubs his forehead and the girl sees it but ignores it.

“He was a cool kid.” Here, Charlie pauses. This conversation has been a long time coming. Maybe she should tell Ellie everything, even if it means Joel will also know. Maybe it’s a good thing someone else will carry her stories. It’s beginning to weigh her down. “My parents and I had been traveling, trying to find a good spot to lay low for a while. My mom started puking even though we weren't eating that much those days. Soon, the belly showed up,” Charlie says. She’s playing with her cup of coffee. She can’t even think about pouring something down her throat. It takes a lot of effort for her to keep what’s inside, inside. “She died giving birth to him, so it was just me, my dad and a baby.” The memory of Parker is one of her most painful ones and his death is so recent. “Because of him, we couldn’t travel. My dad hated the military and the government, so I had to convince him to go to a QZ. They helped us out but my dad got in too much trouble. He questioned everything, he got held and imprisoned many times. I guess he was angry because of my mom, maybe he resented Parker. It’s not like he wasn’t right, I hated those people too and I was also angry, but there was a baby. He needed me.” She takes a deep breath. “My dad died not long after. Those men would beat him up, torture him. No doctor could ever make him recover, so he just…” She interrupts herself. “One time, I got to our apartment and Parker wasn’t there. I freaked out. When I was just about to leave, he showed up with a puppy.” Here, she throws a smile at Ellie, who’s hanging onto her every word. “Turns out, he had found Dog out on the streets, alone. I hated Dog so much those days. It was another thing to take care of. And Parker couldn’t go anywhere without him.” Charlie sighs. “Then, these rebels invaded the compound, started bombing and shooting everyone inside, so we had to flee. I wanted to leave Dog behind but Parker was unrelenting. I didn’t think we would survive. Parker screamed whenever he didn’t get his way, Dog barked at the slightest sound.”

Joel feels stupid. He sees now how Charlie looks at Ellie. If he was a betting man and money had any value left in this world, he’d put all of his on her treating Ellie like she treated her little brother.

“Those first weeks on the run were the hardest. But Parker was all I had left and he was…” Charlie holds back her tears. “He was so good. He finally understood when I told him to keep quiet, Dog was a lot less noisy. They’d help out sometimes. Dog was good at sniffing out threats, finding hidden stashes. Parker was smart, so I taught him how to use the bow. We’d hunt sometimes. Whenever he couldn’t, when it was too much for him, I just left him somewhere safe listening to my iPod while I looked for whatever. Food, mostly.” 

“How did he–” 

“Ellie…” Joel warns her. 

Silence takes over the room. All they can hear is the rustling sound of leaves. And the occasional deer.

“Um, I’m– Okay. Good night, guys. See you tomorrow.” She says quickly. Ellie knows she’s crossed a line here and hopes this won’t affect her relationship with Charlie. She still feels a bit stupid, so before leaving, she gets closer to the woman and gives her a quick hug. It’s so fast Charlie barely notices it. What this hug means will haunt Charlie when she goes to bed later that night.

There’s only the two of them now. Joel’s sat down on his chair opposite Charlie and he’s trying not to look at her, fiddling with his cup. The occasional deer outside makes a sound as it steps on grass or walks through some bushes. The air feels heavy, everyone’s got one of these stories. Sometimes, more than one. 

“We got captured months ago,” Charlie says suddenly. Joel wasn’t expecting that, but he’s listening. “By these _military_ men.” At the mention of the military, his body tenses up. He feels the poisonous tone of her voice, the resentfulness. Charlie hates them too. “They killed him in front of me.” Joel is perhaps the last person she wants to tell this story to. Maria knows some of this, but not the whole thing. Maybe it’s a good thing she’s willingly talking about this part of her story. “Parker wasn’t a fan of physical contact, never really hugged us. That day, Parker died holding my hand and it wasn’t because of what was happening to him, but because of what was happening to me.” One tear streams down her face, but she can't cry. She won’t dare do that in front of him, of all people. “Sometimes, late at night, I wake up and I think I can still feel his grip and it’s just–” She stops as suddenly as she began. There’s a beat of silence. Joel feels like he can hardly breathe. He knows exactly what she’s talking about, he has those dreams too. Charlie looks away and sighs. “I didn’t kill those men because I wanted to steal their weapons and ammo. I stole their weapons and ammo because I killed them. After everything they did, they had to die.” 

More than anyone else in the world, perhaps, Joel understands that. He tries picturing the story Charlie’s just told him, but his memory sneaks in, betraying him. He thinks back to Sarah. The air feels heavier.

They are quiet for the rest of the night. 

When the other group is about to relieve them, Charlie and Joel both get up to leave. She speaks up.

“You know, I don’t hate you for this morning. I was offended, I guess. But…” she stops. She can hear two people talking downstairs, waiting for Joel and Charlie to leave so they can begin their day’s work. “Better to err on the side of caution, right? I don’t blame you for trying to protect her.” 

When she checks her schedule the next morning, she’s been paired up with Joel in all her tower assignments that week.


	5. And I fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am waking up at 6, 7 am and feverishly writing this fic, which is... consuming me.  
> i really hope you all enjoy it.
> 
> here's part 5!

It’s a quiet morning in Jackson, when someone wakes her up, knocking on her door.

“Coming,” she mumbles, sleepy. Dog lifts his head and yawns while Charlie drags herself out of bed. She opens her door and Ellie is on the other side. “What… are you doing here?” Charlie rubs her eyes.

“Ok, so. I need a favor,” she says, hastily entering the room. Ellie sits down on the chair by the desk. Dog is happy to see her, so he stands near the girl and puts his head on her lap. “Were you sleeping? It’s like, the middle of the afternoon.” 

Charlie is grumpy, so she just makes a face at Ellie. “Yes, dum-dum. What do you want?”

“I thought you were on kitchen duty last night.” 

Charlie groans, lies down again on the bed and covers herself. “Thanks for waking me up to talk about my schedule. You can go now.” She waves her hand at the girl and turns around.

“Is this about Seth?” Ellie asks, quietly. So it is.

Charlie sighs and sits down. There’s no more sleeping now, she knows. “How do you know about that?” She asks. Then, ignores her own question. Ellie knows. “Never mind. Yes, this is about Seth.” 

There’s a rotation for active, communal jobs in Jackson. You choose the ones you have the most affinity for, the ones you can do to the best of your abilities, but mostly you help out here and there. Charlie is in the kitchen because she likes cooking, she’s good at it and she doesn’t mind the long hours. Mila is also like that. It felt only natural that these two women, who are almost the same age and who share some of the same interests, would bond over time. They don’t flirt, though they joke around sometimes. Charlie knows for a fact she’s not up for flirting. Maybe never again. But they are friendly with one another. Not friends, just friendly. And some people know that she had a girlfriend once, so they assumed.

Seth was one of the people that assumed. He called her a not-so-nice word behind her back, before having a full shift with her. Charlie didn’t know until much later and she’d been nice to him, as she always has. So, she hates herself for not knowing sooner and hates that she spent some of her niceness on an undeserving man. She’s only got so much to give.

“He’s an asshole,” Ellie offers. Charlie chuckles.

“He _is_ an asshole. I swear to god, that this is even a thing after all that’s happened is what pisses me off the most,” Charlie admits. She’s very much awake now. “It truly baffles me. Like, before, it was fucked up that this happened. But, y’know, sometimes excuses were made. ‘Oh, they are from a different time. In those days, etc.’ Whatever. But _now_. Seriously?” Charlie sighs. She’s just so tired. “I keep worrying about these things out there trying to kill me or bite me, worrying about these terrifying people who incarcerate others, worrying about being captured by, oh, I don’t know, cannibals and evil men and sadists.” Charlie scoffs, ignoring the thoughts on the back of her mind. For another time. “And now, bigotry. This is just so _boring_. Anyways, I traded kitchen duty for a while. I’m on patrol.” Which is where she was, beginning in the first light of day, with Tommy, taking out a horde of infected nearby. It's why she’s sleeping so late.

Ellie laughs, though it’s bitter. “Boring” is not the word she’d use for it. 

“Sorry for the rant,” Charlie says. Sometimes, she forgets Ellie is a kid. “You said you wanted something. I can’t remember what it was, pretty sure I was still sleeping.”

“A favor.” Ellie smiles. “So. Dina is gonna ask you to join in on bow practice.” She fiddles with her hands. How appropriate that this is happening right now. “And ugh. This is so stupid,” she says, rubbing her cheek on her shoulder, looking anywhere else now.

After their conversation that day, about Dina, Charlie backed off. She didn’t want to make Ellie uncomfortable anymore, so she said that taking on other students would be a bad idea, that she wasn’t gonna do it. After all, there was only one crossbow and one bow. It was mostly on Ellie’s behalf. So, Charlie backed off, though it might have been too much. Now, she realizes, she just made this a lot more awkward.

“I can say yes, y’know...” She sighs. “The reason I told you I wouldn’t be taking other students was that, well... Maybe you were uncomfortable? Like,” Now, Charlie is the one fumbling. She really wants to do good by Ellie. She sighs. “Whatever you want, dum-dum. Just, say the word and I’ll do it.”

There’s a smile on Ellie’s face, but it’s a shy one. The girl is happy she met Charlie and she loves hanging around with her, taking lessons from her. She’s also happy that Charlie seems to like her too. Still, Ellie is scared. 

“Ugh. Having a crush on a girl is a nightmare.” She rubs the heels of her hands on her forehead. Charlie laughs out loud, nodding. “Oh, so you agree?” Ellie asks. Talking about Charlie’s love life seems a good segue, especially because it takes the spotlight out of Ellie.

Charlie huffs. “What are you getting at?”

“So, Mila...?” Ellie raises her eyebrows at the older woman. Charlie snorts.

“I’m gonna stop you right there. There’s no Mila.” She says earnestly. It’s true, they are barely friends. They just talk in the kitchen, but they don’t hang out.

“Is there anyone else? Maybe another girl. Or guy.” Ellie knows by now a lot more about Charlie than the woman thought. Maybe more than she’d let most people know about her.

“Afraid not, dum-dum. No girl, no guy,” she says. Then, she groans. “Ugh, it’s too early in the day to be talking about this.” Charlie throws the covers over her face, lying down again.

She can hear the exasperation on Ellie’s voice. “It’s the middle of the afternoon!” 

—

Maria and Charlie are having dinner. The older woman is trying to convince her to talk to Seth, to let him apologize to her, and to go back to the kitchen. Charlie knows eventually she’ll cave, but for now, she’s still going outside with whomever. Dog is lying down at her feet. Tommy and Joel talk nearby, both leaning on the bar, having coffee. Ellie is in there with some of her friends, eating and talking and being loud, happy teenagers. It’s quite a sight to behold.

“She likes you, y’know?” Maria says suddenly. She doesn’t know what this is about. Maybe Mila? She can’t believe Mila tried to hit on her through Maria. She’s not up for it.

“Who?” Charlie pretends she doesn’t know who they’re talking about, to buy some time.

“Ellie,” Maria says. 

‘Oh, Ellie,’ she thinks. She really didn’t know who they were talking about. ‘That conversation I can do.’ 

Charlie smiles. “Yeah, I know. She’s a good kid. She’s also very… honest.” 

At her comment, Maria laughs. She knows who they’re talking about. The pause is significant.

“Yeah. She’s very much a person already. Crazy to grow up on this world, huh?” She says and Charlie just shrugs in agreement. “She used to run around with Joel all the time, but now, it’s a little less.” 

“Did anything happen?” Charlie is not sure why this subject was brought up and she’s not that interested in it, but she makes conversation either way. She knows about Ellie and Joel’s relationship, the girl still talks about him a lot. Though she’s surprised to hear that they are somewhat apart now. It didn’t feel that way, from Charlie and Ellie’s talks.

“Nothing, I think. Not to my knowledge, at least.” Maria shrugs. “Maybe it’s just coming here, y’know? There are other people here and Ellie is good at making friends. Joel is...” There is a pause. Charlies snorts. “Well, yeah. He’s Joel. He’s also very protective of her, which pisses her off sometimes. Maybe it’s that,” Maria says. “By the way,” she adds, after a pause. “Let me know if your schedule’s not working out for you.” 

Charlie chuckles. A conversation about Ellie usually leads to Joel, and the other way around is usually also true. “You talking about going back to the kitchen? Or is this about tower duty?” Maria winces, but Charlie only smiles. “It’s fine.” Maria meets her eyes, incredulously. The younger woman chuckles again. “Really. We’re not braiding each other’s hairs or anything, but whatever animosity there was… it’s gone.”

“Okay, good. Because he asked me to be paired up with you this week and I–” 

“Oh, he asked you that?” Charlie interrupts, giving a quick look to Joel. He’s still deep in conversation with Tommy. She assumed Maria had put them together so they could resolve their issues since sometimes they might work on the same assignments. She didn’t know he’d requested that. “I guess it makes sense. Y’know, Ellie.” 

Maria nods. “Yeah, that’s what I thought too. Ellie has been hanging around with you a lot. Maybe that’s why. I thought it’d be good too. Get that first impression thing out of the way.” She just shrugs. Charlie furrows her brows. So, not even Maria knows why he did that. Though her theory is alright on Charlie’s eyes.

“And you don’t mind her showing up?” Charlie asks, ignoring all the thoughts on why Joel would ask for such a thing.

“As long as you two are doing your job, I couldn’t care less.”

Just then, two guys and a girl approach Charlie. The girl speaks.

“Hi! My name is Dina. This is Matt and Jay,” she says. Charlie smiles. She’s been expecting this. “We heard about the lessons you’re giving Ellie. Y’know, the crossbow.” Charlie nods and the girl continues. “And we wanted to see if we could join you.”

Charlie looks at Maria, who gives her a smile. Then, the older woman turns to the kids. “I’ll see what I can do about your schedule and classes, but it’s up to Charlie.” 

“Um…,” she hesitates. She’s thinking about how she’ll proceed with the lessons. She doesn’t have enough equipment. Especially not for three more potential students. Charlie had been thinking about teaching Ellie how to handle the crossbow because the girl was pestering her about it. That would free up the bow. But still, not enough to go around.

She doesn’t even want to think about anyone other than Ellie holding her brother’s bow.

“Ugh, whatever, guys,” the boy named Matt speaks. “She’s not gonna teach us. Ellie is _special_ , so she gets _special_ treatment and _special_ lessons.” 

This behavior surprises Charlie. That was unprompted. She wasn’t expecting it at all and wonders why the animosity towards Ellie. The girl is nice but can be mean and a bit abrasive. She’s also too smart for her own good. Maybe it’s that. Maybe it’s just teens being teens. Whatever it is, Charlie sees that Joel and Tommy are now paying attention to the boy, and Joel’s scowling. Before he can say anything, she does.

“Wow. Okay.” Charlie rubs her eyes. “Here’s how we’re gonna do this. I will accept all students under two conditions: one, if it doesn’t interfere with classes, training and whatever else you have going on…” She has her index finger up, not looking at anyone but Matt. She raises her middle finger. A part of her wants to lower her index finger back down. “And two, if the new students don’t insult or are mean to my current students. Which, I guess, rules you out.” Charlie stares at the boy. Matt rolls his eyes, muttering a whatever, and leaves. How is high school a thing even after the apocalypse? “Does anyone else have any comments?”

“You know, Ellie is my _best_ friend and she’s _really_ nice,” Dina says, emphasizing her words, trying to defuse the situation. Charlie laughs.

“Okay, kiss-ass is in.” Dina throws her a huge smile. “What about you, Jay?” The boy just nods, trying to conceal a smile. “There you go. Now, I just need to figure out how I’m gonna do this. I only have one bow and one crossbow.”

Maria’s forehead creases. She looks confused. “There are more bows,” she says, matter-of-factly. It’s Charlie’s turn to be confused. Maria continues: “Yeah. Joel and Jesse went on a supply run the other day and brought back a few bows Joel found. I told him to tell you because you’re the only one who can use them. But I guess he didn’t.”

“I guess not.” 

When Charlie looks at Joel, he was already staring at her. Charlie nods. Joel nods back before turning again to Tommy and taking a sip of his drink.

—

Charlie’s been playing with Dog on the field when she hears someone greet her. When she turns around, it’s Joel, walking in her direction.

“Oh, hey, Joel.” She holds the ball in her hand, even though Dog is waiting expectantly.

“I see that thing doesn’t hate me anymore.” He points at the dog, who’s now going up to Joel to sniff him. Joel looks kind of disgusted. Charlie stifles a laugh.

“I think he got used to you.” She shrugs. Then, she whistles and throws the ball again to get the dog out of Joel’s path. He nods in appreciation. 

Joel was never one for pets. When Sarah was little, she had a phase where every Monday morning, when they were making breakfast, she’d ask him for a puppy. And every Monday, he’d tell her no, talk about expenses, say no one would take care of the puppy when he was at work and she was at school, a puppy is just gonna destroy everything in this house. They repeated that routine for months. Sometimes he thought she’d forgotten, then he put her in bed and she’d say: “We should get a puppy”, in a really sleepy voice. It was like clockwork. 

Joel reaches for his watch, absent-mindedly. 

“What’s up?” Charlie asks. Dog comes running in her direction and she has to fight him for the ball, but not too much. 

“Oh,” he says, as if suddenly remembering. “Later this week, you and Ellie have practice.”

“Yeah.” Dog approaches her again, ball in mouth. She struggles to get it this time.

“Could you cancel that?” he states. It comes off hostile, though he didn’t mean to. He doesn’t want to be brazen. At least not with her.

“Is there any reason for that?,” Charlie asks, while throwing the ball for Dog. At some point, she thinks, she’d have to get used to this behavior of his. If Ellie was to be a part of her life while she stays in Jackson, she’d have to get used to Joel.

“It’s Ellie’s birthday and I got a surprise thing goin’ for her.” It’s all he says. 

Dog is at Charlie’s foot once again, but she ignores him. Instead, she turns to Joel and looks at him. He’s looking at her as if he doesn’t understand her sudden change in behavior. She, on the other hand, is looking at him for what it feels like the first time. In the beginning, they had some sort of aggression towards each other. From her side, it was merely a reaction to his meanness. Then, that day in the tower, something changed and they were fine with the other’s company. But now, Charlie is looking at him trying to figure out who he is. It’s a mystery, this man.

“Oh, I didn’t know that,” she says, quietly. “Yeah, of course. I’ll cancel it. No problem.”

Dog stands in between them, still trying to get her attention. Joel nods, says a brief “Thank you” but, before he parts, he pets Dog a bit. Then turns around and walks away, caressing his watch with his thumb.

It’s a mystery, this man. 

—

They have a good rapport, Charlie and Joel. At least that’s what she thinks. She realizes now how deeply he cares about Ellie. He’s not her dad, but he’s certainly a father figure for her. Or wants to be. Maria had said they went through hell and back together, which explains a lot. 

They have tower duty again. Ellie is with them. Again.

This time, she brought her homework with her. She’s had math lessons and asks Joel here and there for help with it. When Charlie got to the tower that day, there were three chairs there, even though guard duty only needs two people. When Joel gets there a few minutes later followed by Ellie, Charlie understands. She smiles at him, even though he doesn’t know why she’s being so amicable. 

The three stay silent, there’s only the sound of pencil on paper.

When she sees Ellie’s finished, Charlie asks: “You know what goes on these books?”. She’s talking about the logbooks, located on each tower, where they write down any news, a swarm of infected or clickers nearby, the overall activity outside. The girl just shakes her head. The woman eyes Joel.

“Alright, kiddo,” Joel says, getting up. Apparently, he understood what Charlie was trying to do. Joel starts teaching Ellie how to use the book, what sort of things they put in there. As much as it pains him, he knows eventually she will do that as well. She’s engaged, interested. Almost excited about it. Charlie knows she likes training and bets Ellie will be the first in line when she’s able to go out on patrol.

“So, what do you miss most? From before?” Ellie asks, distracting Charlie from her thoughts. She’s leaning on the windowsill, Joel next to her.

“Oh, is this a trivial conversation? Or a serious one, where I reminisce everything I left behind...” Charlie smirks. She’s being flippant on purpose. There are some things that hurt, but it’s distant. She’s healing.

“A trivial one,” Ellie shrugs. “I think we could do a trivial one.” 

Charlie smiles. She agrees, they can do a trivial one. “Then cake, for sure.” She reminisces about that day, when the infections started worrying everyone and it was all over the news. “I would kill someone for a slice now. I am not even joking.” 

Ellie laughs. “Oh, yeah! Wasn’t it your birthday?” The girl perks up. Her own birthday is getting closer, Charlie knows this now.

“Yeah, I was celebrating my birthday. I was turning 16 when it all happened. Hell of a present,” she says ironically. 

“Me too,” Joel speaks, for the first time in this conversation. 

“You were turning 16 too?” Charlie asks, her mouth agape. She’s got her arms crossed, her feet up on the table. She's almost too comfortable. 

Ellie laughs out loud, but Joel only huffs.

“Funny. No, it was my birthday too.” He says. He looks at his watch and a part of him wants to share with Charlie the story about Sarah. Joel doesn’t know why he’s feeling this way, he never wants to talk about his daughter with anyone. He thinks it’s because of Charlie’s own story with her brother. He knows what it’s like to be haunted by a fleeting but strong grip. “Got this as a gift,” he raises his left arm, showing them his watch.

“That’s a very nice watch.” Charlie notices it’s broken, it’s not so nice anymore. But she won’t say anything, of course. It’s been years, he’s kept the watch. There must be a reason for it. “I got my iPod,” she says, with a smile. “And my mom made me a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting, which I thought was another gift because I _loved_ her baking. It was actually my last meal. Before all the canned food and hunted animals and scavenged food.” She thinks back to those days in the beginning, when it was just her and her parents. They were both still alive then. “It was like 3 am, and I decided to go down to the kitchen and have some cake. I was pretty sleepy because I noticed the door to the basement was opened but I just kept going. It was a really delicious cake. Just went straight to the fridge to get a slice. Then I saw my parents loading up the truck with like, guns and canned food. And that was it. That was my last night at home.”

There’s a beat of silence.

“What about you, Joel?” Charlie says. Joel got too distracted with her story, he didn’t notice her piercing eyes were looking at him. Then, he thought back to his last night at home. Charlie notices a change in demeanor and is a bit regretful. Maybe life before the infections is a touchy subject. “Can you even do trivial?” she teases him, with a smirk, trying to lighten the mood. He’s so intense so much of the time. Charlie suspects that he only lets his guard down with Ellie.

She distracts him from his thoughts. So, he rolls his eyes, though there’s a small smile in his face. Joel takes his time in answering it. “I think... sushi.”

“Sushi?” Charlie is caught off guard. “You don’t strike me as the kind of guy who likes sushi.”

Now, he scoffs and gives her a smug look. “And what do I strike you as?”

“Like a beer and barbecue kinda guy.” She shrugs.

“Well, I liked those things too,” he says, with a Southern drawl. He was from Texas, after all. “But um, my daughter, Sarah… She loved sushi. She tried it with her mother and begged me to take her to a sushi place every now and then. I got into it.” He shrugs. This doesn’t feel like a trivial conversation anymore. Not to him, at least. Ellie knows how heavy mentioning Sarah is to him, though he has a feeling Charlie is none the wiser. Still, there’s a pang of regret for turning this conversation into something it’s not. “I also wouldn’t mind a Thanksgiving dinner.”

Charlie breathes out. “Jesus, Joel. That’s obscene.”

This time, he huffs out a laugh, smiling a bit. “Did you ever have Thanksgiving, Ellie?” 

“We had something like it.” She shrugs, sitting back down on her chair. “It was rare, but sometimes we had turkey with stuffing and pie. It didn’t taste good.”

“Then the cook must’ve sucked. Because Thanksgiving food is delicious.” Charlie seems almost excited now. “You got the beautifully roasted turkey, you cut up a slice and put it on your plate. Then you get a spoonful of stuffing, right? You get some mashed potatoes, with that slab of butter slowly melting on top, a little of the green bean casserole. Add some cranberry sauce on the side.” Both Ellie and Joel are looking at Charlie, amazed. She must be doing a good job of engaging them, she thinks. “In the end, you get that thick, delicious gravy and just drizzle it on top of your plate. Then, when you think you can’t eat anymore, someone brings out pumpkin pie. Or maybe apple pie. Or even both! Suddenly, you can’t wait to eat dessert.” She opens her arms. “There you have it. A delicious, complete Thanksgiving dinner.” 

Joel sighs. “Goddamn, who’s being obscene now?” 

Charlie laughs out loud. “I am… very passionate about food. Sorry.”

“No, no. It’s fine,” Joel says. With a smile, he adds: “Y’know, I didn’t even know I was missing those things. I’m really glad I was reminded of something I can’t have.”

“Then you know how I feel about cake with frosting,” Charlie shrugs.

“That’s not the same,” he contests. She opens her arms. “I didn’t give you a mouth-waterin’ description of cake.”

“Well, how is it my fault you’re not as good with words as I am?”

At that, Joel snorts. They bicker like that all night, but it’s in good fun. This is... fun. Charlie didn’t think she’d get to experience this type of unassuming amusement. She likes it. She knows Ellie holds a special place in her heart, that much is obvious. But Joel... She’s beginning to like him. 

Ellie looks at both of them, amused. She is a kid, but she’s not an idiot. She feels something is different with them. Could this be flirting? The girl doesn’t believe Charlie lied to her, so she thinks maybe it’s true. Maybe there’s no girl or guy. Yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, I completely forgot that tlou begins on joel’s birthday.  
> the only reason I had oc's birthday put in was because I wanted her to have had cake as her last meal.  
> I had to edit this at the last minute.  
> idk it was pretty lolzy to me
> 
> anyways! here's to hoping you guys enjoyed this new chapter.
> 
> toodles :)


	6. No evil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this week, I may or may not have cried in mourning over this fic  
> (I haven't finished it yet, but it's outlined and the following chapters have already A Lot of Words so.)
> 
> pms-ing is great

“I see you’ve decided to stay,” Jonah says. 

It’s been a couple of months since Charlie first got there, battered and injured. His casual comment catches her off-guard. She wants to say something, prove him wrong, leave immediately. She wants to agree with him, say “Yes. Yes, I have found a purpose here. Yes, here I don’t hate myself so much. Here, the sun hits my face in the morning delicately, like a lover’s kiss on a lazy Sunday. Here, there’s laughter and joy and life and I’ve been staring death in the face for so long, it’s nice to see her turn her back to me. Yes, these people saved me.” 

Instead, Charlie says nothing. Wallows in her own self-pity and doubt. 

While he examines her, she says abruptly: “I still have things to do.” 

Jonah’s eyes meet hers and he just nods, distracted. He’s not convinced by her.

She isn’t sure she is either.

—

“Did you find it?” Ellie asks, excitedly. She ran when she heard the gates open.

Joel sighs, as he coming down of Shimmer. He puts the horse on the stable, ignoring Ellie’s anxious eyes on him.

“How do you know this is gonna work?” He asks, stopping in front of the girl. “Or that she'd like it?” Joel heard about what happened with Charlie and Seth. His bad temper didn’t help with how he reacted to it, but before he could do anything, Maria said she was handling it. He was still angry. Maybe, he thinks, it’s a good idea to talk to Charlie about what happened. It was likely she was too. 

“C’mon, Joel. Did you find a charger or not?” She’s impatient. It’s almost adorable.

The day before, she and Joel had watched a movie at his house and in it, the character starts dancing around, listening to music on their iPod. She thought back to Charlie’s iPod and she knew it wasn’t charged, because the woman had complained about that at one point. That’s how she got the idea of giving her a gift. She wanted to thank Charlie for the lessons. Also, after the whole thing with Seth, Ellie thinks it’s a good time to get her something she’d like.

“It took some time and effort but I found some on that apartment complex out West,” he says, reaching inside his backpack and giving her some charging chords he found and some earbuds. “I don’t know if they’re working. Here’s the iPod back.” He hands her over the device carefully.

Joel thought Ellie’s idea was good. It’s not the same as confronting Seth for being a bigot, which is what he wanted to do, but it’s nice. He thinks Charlie will like it. He was, however, very uncomfortable when Ellie handed him over the iPod, especially when she told him she had snuck it out of Charlie’s room. He knew how much that thing meant to Charlie, so he was afraid of carrying it around. Though Ellie had been right. Joel wasn’t good with this tech stuff. How was he supposed to know the right charger for it? The right earbuds? He needed to test them, see if it fit, so he took the iPod with him, putting on the left pocket of his button-down shirt. He would touch it every now and then, making sure it was safe.

He didn’t even want to think about what Charlie would do if he broke that thing.

“Thank you!” Ellie sang, happily, running in the other direction. Joel looks down and smile, shaking his head. 

Yeah. It’s a good gift. 

— 

Charlie was outside that evening, playing with Dog on the field, listening to music on her iPod. It was pure bliss.

Earlier, Ellie had come up to her with a box, a small paper bow on top. Charlie was curious, she didn’t know what Ellie could possibly give her. Inside, there were her iPod and some chargers and earbuds. Ellie had tested some out on her own bedroom and only put inside the box the ones that were working. Dina helped her out making the bow, she told Charlie. 

The woman was taken aback. Ellie had taken the iPod from her room and there was a pang of annoyance. What if she had broken it? What if she had lost it? That thing has value to her, Charlie thinks, but she tries ignoring it. Ellie didn’t break or lose it. In fact, what she did was make it work, finding something that could charge it. Charlie focuses on the nice present. She thanks Ellie, who hugs her again, and goes home. 

It does work. She listens to some music in her bedroom while it’s charging, a smile on her face. Damn, that’s a good gift, she thinks. Maybe she should give Ellie something in return. She starts thinking about what would be a good gift for the girl. She settles on a book she’s had trouble finding. Charlie would go on libraries and bookstores, whenever it wasn’t filled with infected, looking for _Love in The Time of Cholera_. She’s always loved that book but had to leave her own at home, in the beginning. She chuckles alone in her bedroom, thinking about Ellie receiving this specific gift. Maybe she will throw in some joke about Dina. Who knows. 

Later that day, when Charlie sees Joel walking to this house, she runs a little to catch him. She knows he was part of this. Joel spots her and stops on his porch, waiting.

“So, I guess I have you to thank as well,” Charlie says, a little out of breath. She points at her earbuds.

“I don’t know what you’re talkin’ bout,” he says. Then, with a little smile, adds: “And that was all Ellie, trust me.”

“Oh, I trust you. Don’t think I don’t. But I know you helped her out, so… Thank you.” Charlie knows Ellie can’t go outside, not just yet. And definitely not by herself. That’s what patrol training is for. Hopefully, the lessons she’s been giving the girl will also help her.

“It was nothin’,” he says, keys in hand, and they both go quiet. 

It’s almost getting dark and the sounds of the city are all they hear. Charlie doesn’t know why she’s just standing there. She wanted to thank him, she did, now off with her. There’s something, though. Something gluing her to his balcony, making her stand there and look at him while he looks outside, towards the town’s center.

“Wanna come in for a drink?” He asks. 

It surprises him as much as it does her. Charlie smiles nonetheless. 

“Sure. I could do a drink.” 

She makes her way into his house while he’s holding the door open for her and Dog. Charlie didn’t know what she expected, but not this. It’s a neat house. There aren’t many things, he got there only a few months before her, but it’s got soul. There’s a guitar on one corner, which spikes her interest.

“You play?” She asks. She seems to have disturbed him out of his thoughts because he’s distracted.

“What?” Joel asks. He then sees what she’s looking at. “Oh. Yeah, a little. Why?” He suddenly feels self-conscious. “Do you?” 

“No.” She sits down at his table in the kitchen. Dog lies down next to her. “I wanted to learn though. Y’know. Before.” Charlie looks at him, while he fixes them both a drink. This feels a bit awkward, she thinks. They have both been on various assignments together and Ellie isn’t always with them. But this feels different, for some reason.

“I’m teaching Ellie. She’s getting the hang of it,” he says, with a smile. He sits on a chair close to her and raises his glass. Charlie toasts with him, though they don’t say what they’re celebrating.

“I know. She talks about it. She loves it, y’know.” Charlie takes a sip. It’s bitter and she makes a face. It’s been a while since she’s had a proper drink. When she looks over at him, he’s smirking at her. “Oh, I can’t hold my liquor. At all.”

“I can see that.” There’s a half-smile on his face. Dog sits up and walks over to Joel, sitting next to him and placing his face on Joel’s lap. He doesn’t know what to do, which makes Charlie smile.

“He likes you.” In the back of her mind, she thinks about how dogs are hypersensitive to their owner’s feelings. She disliked Joel, so did Dog. Now, it appears not so much, for both of them. Joel starts petting him, smiling when Charlie points at Dog’s wagging tail.

They are quiet for a while. 

“What do you listen to? On that thing?”

“‘On that thing?’ Damn, grandpa.” Charlie makes him laugh. She thinks he’s not that much older than her, less than ten years, maybe. Though she can’t be sure. “Here, let me show you.” Charlie leans her body towards him and Joel does the same. They are both looking at the iPod as she’s showing him what she likes most. She insists that he listens to it. He obliges, distracted by their proximity and whatever laundry detergent she uses on her clothes. He had never been that close to her.

Joel puts one earbud on so that he can continue talking to her. He ignores the thoughts springing to his mind. “This is... pretty much what I thought you listened to.” This time, Charlie laughs quietly.

“I was a moody teen,” she shrugs. “What can I say?” After a beat of silence, it’s her turn to ask. “What about you?” 

Joel puts on a record on his record player.

They talk about life from before. Life after. She talks about her family, Joel talks about his. They swap some stories and it’s intense sometimes. Mournful. They have both lost so many people. He tells her about Sarah, points her to the framed picture. Charlie stands up and walks to it to look at it more closely. Joel doesn’t mind this intimacy, this closeness. He knows she’ll be careful. With his picture, with his memories. He just knows. He attributes it to her relationship with Ellie, he sees how Charlie is with her. He also doesn’t mind her company. If he’s being honest with himself, he actually likes it.

Sometimes it’s not intense. It’s just nice, fun. She talks about all the times she ran from chickens trying to attack her when she was a kid, at her grandfather’s farm; he laughs at her. He talks about a cross-country trip he made with his brother, both on Harleys; she looks at him, trying to picture a young Joel and Tommy, riding their bikes, as free as one can be. This feels as intimate as it feels casual. Charlie can’t help but think that yes, they are friends. Yes, she likes Joel. All those things that happened before don’t matter anymore, all of that is gone. It’s good, she thinks. This feels nice.

They are three drinks in. Charlie is a bit more susceptible to it than he is, so she’s drunker. She likes it, feels less uptight. She was teasing him about something and Joel was smiling. 

He has a nice smile, she thinks. Though it’s not what she says.

“You look weird when you smile.”

Joel snorts, he can’t help himself. “I look _weird_ when I _smile_?” There’s some outrage on his voice. Charlie knows it’s all an act.

“Yeah,” she snorts back, barely holding herself together. “It’s like, unnatural. Like seeing a giraffe use an escalator.”

This time, Joel laughs out loud. She thinks it’s the combination of alcohol and her remark, what made him laugh. Charlie stares at him. It looks very weird when he laughs. But she doesn’t hate it. Not at all. 

—

Charlie hears a knock on the front door of the house. “It’s open!” She says, from the kitchen. She assumes it’s Jonah, coming to examine the old lady that arrived on Jackson last week, with her husband. She’s been feeling ill and Charlie’s made her some tea but saw no improvements. She’s surprised when she sees Joel standing in the entrance of the kitchen. “Oh, hey, Joel. What’s up?” 

“I have to talk to you.” He says, abruptly. He’s serious. There has been a shift in the way he behaves with her and Charlie is confused. The last time, they had drinks at his house and it had been fun. They bonded and enjoyed each other’s company. She left before she was too drunk to make her way back home alone, but he still walked her out and they said their goodbyes. Joel even knelt in front of Dog, to give him a proper goodbye, which made her laugh. He was funny and drunk. Now, he’s like that.

“Can we talk outside? I need to hang up these clothes,” she says, pointing at the laundry basket. Before he can say anything, she’s already out the door, in the backyard. Charlie starts hanging the few items she’s got. She hears the door closing in behind him. “What is it?” 

Joel’s hands are in his pocket. He seems tense. “We were out patrollin', Tommy and I. We ran into this guy early in the morning, on one of our hideouts outside. I thought he was scavengin' for food or somethin'. He had his back to us and we were…” He pauses. “We had our guns pointed at him and we started asking questions. He said he was lookin’ for someone, sayin’ all these nasty things. Wanted information.” 

“Oh?” Charlie is confused. Why is he saying all that to her?

“When he turned around, I could see his face. He had a god awful wound on his cheek.” 

Charlie is hanging a wet shirt but she stops. Her eyes meet Joel’s and he’s looking somber.

“… Here?” She mutters, pointing at her right cheek. Her voice comes out strained and it takes Joel a mighty effort to keep going. He needs to tell her this. Charlie needs to know.

“Right about. Didn’t look good.” Joel looks down, then back at her again. “We asked him a couple of questions and he said he was lookin' for someone like you. A girl travelin’ with a dog.” He won’t repeat the words that man used to talk about Charlie. He could barely stand listening to them the first time around. “He was angry and he looked like he wanted revenge.”

“Joel…” 

Charlie can’t take this anymore. The things she needed to do were haunting her ever since that day she showed up in Jackson. Joel had been right then, she had left a loose end. But Charlie had found enough peace in this town that the past became a lot fuzzier. She had her assignments and archery lessons and Ellie. She had Joel as well. 

Late at night, when she couldn’t sleep because of what happened, she would promise herself she’d leave to look for that man and she’d finish what she had started. Then, she’d wake up, walk around with Dog, the sun would hit her face and the people would greet her when she walked by. In those moments, Charlie lost all her determination and lingered a while longer, always coming back to that promise on tough nights. Charlie wanted that memory gone, she wanted that man gone, she wanted all of that put behind her, but now Joel’s here and he’s met him, he’s seen him. Is he here? Did Tommy and Joel bring him _here_?

She looks apprehensive. Joel doesn’t know how he can stand there and just look at her when she’s like that. He wants to hold her and give her space. Fight her battles for her and let her fight her own battles. Mostly, Joel wants Charlie to be content. He’s not sure about happiness, though. He’s inclined to say that happiness is beyond anyone in those days. 

“I shot him,” Joel says briskly, before he can lose his strength. He has to tell Charlie about this, she needs to know, but he’s afraid of her reaction.

“What?” It comes out weak. Charlie looks like she’s seen a ghost. She doesn’t look like she got rid of one. Joel looks anywhere but her face.

“He was a threat to the community, Charlie. He wanted your head on a goddamn stick.” His voice is low but firm. Yet, he’s terrified. He’s afraid he’s robbed Charlie of something she wanted to do herself. He thinks perhaps that this revenge was hers. And now she’ll hate him for what he’s done. Even though it needed to be done. “There was no getting out of that. So I shot him”.

Charlie starts breathing rapidly. She holds the wet shirt against her chest now, her grip so tight he can see a few droplets of water. Joel sees her legs are about to give out. He’s close enough that, when he notices she’s about to fall, he holds her by the arms. Charlie looks up, eyes watery, an expression of fear.

“He’s dead, Charlie.” This time, Joel allows his eyes to meet hers. When he does, he can see the hurt and pain and it’s almost too much for him. He has to focus on Charlie now, forget about himself. Her breathing is erratic and the tears are falling. Joel’s arm is getting wet from the shirt, she’s still holding it with a strong grip. He holds her. That’s all he can do.

“He’s dead. Oh my god, he’s dead,” she says, in between breaths. Charlie repeats that a few times, though it’s mostly to herself. She can’t believe it. It’s over. It’s finally over. The pain they caused her, they all paid dearly for it. This is a strange time, when killing another human being becomes such a casual thing. These times are as strange as they are tough and she’s glad they’re dead, though right now Charlie is just tremendously relieved. Finally. She might get some good night’s sleep after all. “Thank you…” Charlie mumbles, after a while. She’s still sobbing.

Joel adjusts them. Removes the shirt from her hands, throws it on the ground carelessly. Then, he puts her arms on his back so that she’s hugging him. He holds on to her head, caressing her softly. His other arm is around her waist and he rubs his thumbs on her back. He whispers sweet words to her. “It’s okay, sweetheart. It’s okay.” 

Later that night, when Charlie goes to bed, she wonders how long she stayed like that, being held by Joel. 

She does not have an answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope y'all enjoyed this one :)  
> thank you for everyone commenting and kudos-ing this fic. it makes me really happy :3
> 
> toodles


	7. Because I'm blind to it all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updating my fic at odd hours. sure, why the hell not?

Charlie doesn’t know when she has decided to stay, but it happens as naturally as everything else. Before, there was some unfinished business that was keeping her from admitting she maybe _wanted_ to stay. But now, it got taken care of for her. She’s relieved she doesn’t have to think about it ever again. And she has a place in Jackson, she knows. It beats being alone, though she still loves her quiet time. It beats the thoughts her mind conjures up and she’s lonely and all she has are memories of the days past. Of the ways things could have been and were not. All the future she missed out on. 

In Jackson, she doesn’t have to think much about that.

Charlie hasn’t seen Joel since that day. She’s not avoiding him, but then again, when they have assignments together, she asks if she can swap with someone else. When she sees him walking around town, she goes out of her way not to run into him. Maybe she is avoiding him. It might be the vulnerability she showed in front of him, it might be their proximity, their close relationship. She does that sometimes, closes herself off. It’s not on purpose, she just likes to think alone. Sometimes everything is so much, too loud, so very overwhelming. So, she withdraws.

Charlie is supervising the kids on the field. Ellie is so much more advanced than the others that she starts giving them tips and teaching them as well. There are also more kids now. Once Dina and Jay joined their little group, others showed up. Charlie thinks Ellie is far better at this than her, so a few times she’ll just stand back and let the girl take over.

She’s doing just that when Dog stands up next to her and walks away. When she turns to see where he’s going, she’s met with Joel, walking over to her. He’s petting the dog as he walks towards her, smiling at him. Charlie is suddenly nervous.

“Hi there,” he says, stopping next to her and looking at the kids practicing. Charlie nods but otherwise doesn’t speak. She shouldn’t feel embarrassed. And yet.

“What are you doing here?” Ellie shouts, still showing one of the kids how to properly hold the bow.

“Came here to see you miss those targets.” He crosses his arms, giving the girl a lopsided smile.

“Hey! Watch it, old man.” Ellie shoots and hits a bullseye. She throws Joel a smug look. 

He raises his arms in defeat. Joel and Charlie stand side by side, in silence. She’s not sure she’s ready for whatever conversation he wants to have with her.

“I, uh...” He begins, still not looking at her. “I heard about the Seth thing.” His voice is quiet. Charlie is sure everyone in Jackson by now knows about it. “I meant to ask you how you were doin’, but I didn’t want to...” He trails off. She doesn’t know how he was going to finish that sentence. Intrude? Talk? Acknowledge your feelings but then that day, we hugged for maybe an hour, so it feels only natural now that what was holding me back it’s no longer doing that, so here I am asking you how you are, like a good friend? “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” This is a better conversation, she thinks. It’s so stupid compared to everything else Joel knows about her. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

“I heard Maria intervened.”

Charlie chuckles now, but it’s bitter. “Yeah. It was great. He didn’t want to say he was sorry – because he wasn’t. I didn’t want to forgive him – because I don’t. And Maria didn’t want to be in the middle of such a dumb argument – because she has better things to do. It was... amazing.” Even if her voice wasn’t dripping with irony, Joel would know she didn’t mean that.

“He’s an asshole,” Joel speaks after some time. It makes Charlie smile. 

“Ellie said the same thing.” She looks at him softly. These two are so much alike, she thinks.

“She knows about it?” This time, he looks at her, frowning. He’s worried.

“I’m pretty sure everyone knows about it, Joel,” she replies. She turns her attention back to the kids. He does the same. “But yeah, of course she does.”

“I hope she doesn’t take his words to heart,” he admits. Charlie looks at him. “My eyes aren’t so clouded anymore.” He points with his head at the scene in front of them, a small smile on his face. Ellie is helping Dina with the bow, showing her breathing exercises, and the two girls start giggling.

“I think she’s alright.” Charlie shrugs.

“She has a tendency to let people rile her up.” Joel looks back at Charlie and she can feel the intensity in his eyes. “She needs to learn how to not let other people affect her so much. Be unbothered by whatever someone else might think about her.”

Ah, there it is. 

At some point, Charlie might talk about why she’s avoiding him. Since that time is not now, she just hums in agreement and looks away. 

—

There’s an event in Jackson. The whole town is there, celebrating, dancing, talking.

“Why was Andrew coming out of your office tonight?” Tommy asks Maria. They are both sitting at a table with Joel, drinking. Maria snorts.

“Because of Charlie.” When the two brothers look at her quizzically, she says: “I don’t know, he's interested in her, apparently. Wanted to know if she was available or something.” Maria chuckles, taking a sip of her drink. “He even recruited Ellie, asking her to speak on his behalf. Saying that he thought Charlie was beautiful…” Tommy and Maria both laugh and she keeps talking, but Joel stops paying attention to them. 

On the other side of the room, he can see Charlie and some people from the kitchen having fun. She got back to the kitchen a few days ago, after the whole Seth debacle. Seth is serving drinks with a scowl and Joel wonders if this is some sort of punishment. He wishes it was, though he thinks the sentence should be worse. The feast was over and now, so Charlie and other people who worked in the kitchen are unwinding after cooking for everyone in there. He sees Charlie take a sip of her drink, smiling at something someone said. 

Andrew is stupid as a fucking door, so Joel is caught off guard when he finds himself agreeing with the man. She _is_ beautiful.

“Okay, okay. You,” Trevon points at Charlie. She’s a bit tipsy, so much of everything is amusing for no reason. “What’s your deal?”

Charlie sighs. She’s been working all night in the kitchen with Trevon, Sandra and Mila and she’s so tired. They all know about what happened with Seth and Mila was technically a part of it, even if she wasn’t on the recipient side of his not-so-nice words. They did a pretty good job of making fun of him and helping her feel at ease. But right now, Charlie doesn’t want to talk or even think about sex and relationships. “Look, if this is about dating or whatever, don’t.”

Trevon gives her a big smile. “C’mon. I heard Andrew has a thing for you.”

‘Goddamn it’, she thinks. She should’ve known. There had to be a reason for him to suddenly talk about that. So he knows about Andrew.

“This is so stupid,” she mumbles, rubbing her face.

“C’mon, are you serious? He’s cute! A bit young for you, maybe,” Mila says, receiving a glare from Charlie. She doesn’t know precisely how old he is, but she estimates a ten-year difference between them. “No one’s saying you have to marry him! Just take him out back–”

“Out _back_?,” Charlie asks incredulously. They all laugh at her reaction. “What is _that_ supposed to mean?” 

“It means take him to that empty house by the stables–”

Charlie interrupts, loudly. “Oh, absolutely! God, I love a good shit smell when I’m getting laid.” They all laugh. “Yeah, no. I mean, it’s Andrew. He is…,” she trails off, but they know what she’s talking about.

“You know what?” Trevon asks though it’s rhetorical. “Andrew is dumb as shit, we all know that, but you gotta hand it to him. He got Ellie…,” he says and everyone else laughs. They must all know about this now. It’s just funnier at this moment because there’s alcohol involved. “To do his dirty work for him!”

“You’re right, I’ll hand it to him,” Charlie says, holding her hands up. She spills some of her drink on herself but is none the wiser. “That was clever.” She laughs into her cup. “Ellie was pissed too, y’know? She was like,” Charlie perks up to do an impression of Ellie. “‘Ok, first of all, I’m not gonna be playing cupid’. Like, she was really angry at him for going to her. ‘And two! He’s a dud!’.” Everyone laughs then, picturing a tiny, angry Ellie. 

Charlie is leaving out some parts. Like when Ellie told her all the nice things Andrew had said about her, which she appreciated. She wasn’t interested, but it’s always flattering to know these things. It’s been a while. But she won’t repeat them now, it’s not the point of this conversation.

Another thing Ellie said, or to be more precisely, mumbled, was “There are other nicer single men here”. Charlie doesn’t know what she means and doesn’t dwell on it further. 

“Oh, are we asking teens to go around and find us dates? Because if so, I’d like a shot at her dad,” Sandra says, with a smirk. ‘Not her dad,’ Charlie thinks, automatically. 

“Oh my god.” Mila seems embarrassed. Trevon laughs harder than anyone else. Charlie is merely amused. 

“What? He’s got that broody, sexy thing going on. I wanna know what’s beneath all that rough exterior.” She says that and looks at Joel, making everyone turn their heads.

“I’d bet even more rough interior,” Mila says, rolling her eyes. They all stop talking but Charlie doesn’t realize they were all now looking at her. Charlie sees him talking about something with Maria. The atmosphere is fun, but he’s so serious. She knows him to be capable of much more. “You’ve been with him in a lot of assignments, Charlie…”

Charlie snorts, but shrugs. “He’s a nice guy... A bit rude at first, I might’ve had some trouble with him in the beginning. But once you get to know him…” 

Sandra interrupts. “See? This is what I want! To get to _know_ him.” She uses a very suggestive intonation. They all laugh.

“Maybe you should get Charlie to do that for you. I mean, Andrew figured out Ellie was the way to Charlie’s heart. Maybe Charlie is Joel’s weak spot!” They all laugh, but Charlie just smirks. It stops being funny now, for some reason.

She can see him across the room, on a table with Tommy and Maria. She doesn’t see him fraternize with anyone else and she wonders why. Charlie’s not a people person but right now, she doesn’t mind this party. Jackson’s celebrations were almost kind of fun sometimes, though she knows she’d hate to come to them more frequently. Joel looked like he wanted to be anywhere else but here, like he has a better time being alone or at least in a more quiet setting with the people he likes. Maybe they are more similar than she thought.

Joel smiles at something Tommy said, then takes a sip of his drink and looks straight at her. He raises his drink and she does the same. Charlie takes a sip, ignoring her friends’ jokes. She’s also not addressing the warmth on her cheeks. 

—

Not long after that, Charlie bids them all goodbye. She’s dizzy, she drank too much, but maybe she needed it. To stop being cooped up in her room, to get out and pretend life is normal. To stop listening to the same songs over and over again, crying, mourning. Talk about trivial, dumb things, like dating. It’s a touchy subject still. But she’s getting there. She’ll get there.

Charlie steps out and leans on the wall outside for a while. It’s cold outside. The chilly air blasts her face and it’s a bit sobering. She’s enjoying it. She doesn’t know how long she stood there when she hears someone open the door.

Joel is ready to just go home and rest when he sees Charlie leaning on the wall, eyes closed. He smiles at his feet, trying to conceal it, even though she wouldn’t have noticed it. 

“You ok?” He asks.

Charlie opens her eyes and she’s surprised to see him there. She doesn’t mind it, though. “Jus’ fine. A bit...,” she trails off, making circular motions with her finger. Things are spinning. 

Joel chuckles and it’s low and she likes the sound of that a lot. 

‘Maybe Charlie is Joel’s weak spot.’ 

“Want me to walk ya home? If you don’t, it’s fine. I just thought....” He looks nervous, though she can’t tell why. She has a theory it’s because she’s been avoiding him just a little bit. If it _has_ been weird with the two of them, Charlie knows it’s her fault.

“I’d _love_ it,” she says, with a spring in her step, her words cheery. She almost stumbles, but Joel catches her. Charlie remembers the last time he’s helped her. “Whoops.” Joel only laughs at her reaction and, when she regains her balance, he lets her go. They walk side by side, in silence.

“I like this weather.” He looks up at the stars. 

Charlie snorts. When Joel looks at her, quizzically, she says, with a tone: “Yeah. And what about them Dodgers, huh?” 

Joel rolls his eyes but he gets her point. He was trying to undercut some of the awkwardness with weather talk. It obviously didn’t work, she saw right through him. 

“The thing that bothers me about Jackson,” she says, as if continuing something they were talking about. “is that I’ve spent the last I-don’t-know-how-many years just _surviving_. Ever since the infections started, it was every person for themselves. You do what you have to do. You try to find food and shelter, you step out of people’s way. Hurt them if they hurt you. It’s all terrible but it is what it is. But in Jackson, things I hadn’t encountered in a long time are very present. One is having to explain myself all the time. Decorum is another one.” She’s drunk, but she’s being honest. It allows her to talk about this without all the intensity of being sober and so very aware of everything. It also allows her to somewhat address why she avoided him these past few days. “I think I’ve unlearned to live in a society. Sometimes, I don’t know if I can do this anymore.”

Joel feels his stomach drop. “I see.” He’s trying to keep it together. “You’re leaving?” He asks. It’s almost not a question, it sounds like he’s stating a fact. ‘She’s leaving.’ His mind reels. It’s not like he hasn’t considered it. He knows this thing is just temporary for her. Still, he feels this sadness bubbling up inside him.

“What?” Charlie turns to him, confused. “No. I... This is alright, sometimes. Don’t get me wrong. But sometimes it’s... Like the thing with Seth, y’know. The whole scene with me, Maria and Seth. He comes by and apologizes in front of other people, so they know what he did was wrong. Maria is there to supervise this interaction because that’s what she does. I’m there passively agreeing to whatever it’s happening because this is a _community_ and we can’t have these things coming _between us_.” Charlie says, looking at the ground. She didn’t mean to be this honest, but it still feels nice to talk about it. Especially with Joel. He might understand it better than anyone else. “It’s all a bit exhausting.” 

“At least he apologized.” Not even Joel believes in what he’s saying. Charlie doesn’t either, so she scoffs.

“Sure.” Then, she says: “I don’t care for it. This little act.”

“I get it.” Joel knows what she’s talking about and he agrees wholeheartedly. “This place ain’t bad. But I’d rather be by myself sometimes, not abide by someone else’s schedule. Even if she is my sister-in-law.” 

“Exactly!” Charlie chuckles, in agreement. 

“She’s your sister-in-law too?” He mocks her, and Charlie laughs out loud. 

“Funny.” 

They walk quietly for some time. 

“This is what a conversation is, you know? Two people, or more, being honest about themselves, their feelings.” Charlie teases him, getting them back to their normal selves.

It’s cold out, the loud music from the bar is so far away. It’s almost quiet. Charlie enjoys the quiet.

“Is that so? I wouldn’t know,” Joel says, putting his hands on his pockets. He’s still unsure why she’s said all these things. And why he confided in her. “Talking about the weather is having a conversation too, y’know.”

She laughs and it’s so cold out he can see the puff of air she exhales. They arrive at the house she’s been staying at all this time. “You know I’m grateful, right?”

She climbs one step of the stairs and stops, turning around. They are about the same height now and she can see his face so clearly. He’s handsome, she thinks. Charlie remembers his picture with Sarah and she thinks he’s aged well, though at what cost, she doesn’t know. He has marks from the sun, fights, time. She likes all of those a bit too much. She wants to touch them, caress them with her hand. Instead, she just rubs her palms together, trying to get a hold of herself. He’d hate that. 

‘Maybe Charlie is Joel’s weak spot.’ 

He nods. She wants to be clear.

“I’m not talking about...” There’s a pause and she sees Joel’s shoulder tense up. “I’m talking about everything. You’re a good person, Joel. And a good friend.” He’s still tense, like he doesn’t believe her. But his eyes have softened. “Even though, you know. I saved your life...,” she trails off, turning around and going to the door. “And you saved mine. We’re even, I guess.” 

Charlie hears Joel chuckle behind her but she’s too focused on her keys. 

“I don’t know about saving your life...”

Charlie is still not looking at him, having trouble with putting her keys in. “Suit yourself then. I’ll cash it in later.” She listens to him huff and feels the air he’s exhaled on her back. It’s all the more difficult now to open the door.

“Gimme that,” he says, with determination. She can feel him rolling his eyes at her. Joel is amused at her drunkenness. He helps her with her keys, opening the door for her, and walks her to her room.

They both stand outside. When Charlie opens the door, Joel notices that there aren’t many things inside. It pains his heart a little. He knows she hasn’t been here long and he knows, though he tries to forget, that she won’t be _staying_ here. But still. Others fill their rooms and their houses with all sorts of knick-knacks. Furniture, memorabilia, whatever they find outside. The only things in Charlie’s room are the things she’s had on her when she got there.

Joel’s distracted by her stumbling while she’s trying to enter her room. He laughs quietly at her drunken attempts to walk. When she braces herself on him, suddenly it stops being funny. Because Charlie’s grabbed his arm with one hand, but she put her other hand in the middle of his chest. Joel places a hand on top of hers, squeezing it softly. His heart is racing and he thinks his body is finally catching up to all the drinking he did that night. They stay like that for far too long.

‘Maybe Charlie is Joel’s weak spot.’ 

Charlie looks up at him, stands on her tiptoes and gives him the smallest, softest kiss on his cheek. Her lips touch the corner of his lips ever so gently. Her moves are slow but Joel feels like that moment ended all too soon. He has no idea when he has closed his eyes, but he opens them to see Charlie smiling up at him. Joel’s face is serious. She gives him good night and closes the door.

Outside, it’s still freezing. 

Joel wasn’t just making small talk, he does like this weather. He likes to sit outside and play his guitar, a cup of steamy coffee sitting atop his table. There aren’t many people outside in this weather, so it’s a lot quieter. He can just observe. Right now, the chilly air blasts his face and it’s a bit sobering. His entire face feels cold, except for one small spot on his cheek and the corner of his lips. 

When Joel touches his face, he realizes he’s smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I make no apologies
> 
> edit: this is a dumb edit but like. I thought about the line "what about them dodgers huh?" and I knew I was ripping off something, I just didn't know what until it hit me. anyways, hello to my fellow veronica mars fans out there. I miss logan


	8. And my mind, my gun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not at all important: I had been feverishly writing for like, 10 days. and then I hit a lull. I wanted to update this so badly, but this felt like a Big Chapter (not in terms of length, although it's lengthy) and I wanted it to be Good. anyways, I waited for a while and I think I manage to do a bit of what I set out to do when I was beginning to write this fic, but not quite. it's got some bumps here and there, idk. I'm not thrilled, but I'm okay with it.
> 
> anyways, as always, I hope you will all enjoy this. it's a very self-serving fic, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't take whoever's reading this in consideration. 
> 
> also, I was very liberal with the use of italics in this one. I always am but like. wow

Ellie is on Joel’s porch, though he has no idea why. 

“Oh, shit,” she exclaims.

He’s been out with Tommy this afternoon, going to their hideouts outside to check if everything’s okay, by his brother’s request. Both decided to head back before it got too dark. He’s a bit moody. And starving. He’d asked Tommy if he wanted to go eat something at the bar, but his younger brother said the kitchen wasn’t open that day, they were deep cleaning it apparently. So, now Joel has to fix something up in his home. He’s starving and moody. He also can’t stop thinking about that kiss. 

That stupid fucking kiss. 

He was distracted and even Tommy noticed, but Joel just dismissed it, saying he was just tired. Truth is, he isn't tired. His mind is buzzing, agitated, filled with thoughts of Charlie’s slurred speech, her drunken laughs, her standing on her tiptoes and placing the smallest, softest kiss on the corner of his lips and ruining a good night’s sleep. He hasn’t seen her since that day. He’s been busy, so has she. It’s a good thing, he thinks. Joel has no idea how he’d react. And it’s not like something will happen.

Joel had sworn off of relationships. They are no good either way. There had been some invitations from a few women in Jackson. He helps around town, he’s handy and he’s not bad looking, so there were bound to be some hints dropped here and there, some lingering looks, the occasional talk where Tommy tries to get a feel of his brother’s stance on dates and relationships because someone had approached him about Joel. But he’s unwavering. The last time he had anything was long ago, with Tess. And even that hadn’t been a proper relationship. They were strained, snippy with one another in the end. Tess had to beg Joel to get him to take Ellie to the Fireflies before she died. And there’s that. Tess died.

No, Joel had sworn off of relationships. He won’t do them anymore. 

“What are you doin’ here, kiddo?” He asks. Ellie puts her hand forward, stopping him. Dog is at her side. Joel wonders if Charlie’s here somewhere. He doesn’t care for how his body reacted to that.

“You can’t go in.”

“My own home?” He’s in no mood for this, but it spikes his curiosity. “Why the hell not?”

“Just... wait, alright? You’ll know soon.” Ellie smiles at him. There’s truly nothing in this world he won’t do for this girl. He just shakes his head and smiles, sitting down on a chair. He notices Ellie is agitated, almost excited. She looks inside his house then at him, biting her lips. She’s trying really hard not to smile. It’s not working.

“Ok, what’s goin’ on?”

As soon as he asks that, Charlie’s head pops out of his house. She has a dishtowel hanging on her shoulder. He ignores the flip in his stomach.

“All good,” she says to Ellie. Then, she turns to Joel, with a smile. “Joel, I’m glad to see you could join us.” He notices Charlie has been a lot more open for a while now, less held back. Her personality shows up here and there. She also teases him a lot. He’s not sure what it means.

The three of them go inside and the smell is what hits Joel first. Food. Charlie’s been cooking in his house for who knows how long and it’s everywhere. It smells delicious, though he can’t quite pinpoint what it is. When he turns to his dining room, he can’t help but smile. A Thanksgiving dinner, just like the one Charlie described all those weeks ago. There’s a roasted turkey, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, gravy and cranberry sauce. He has no idea how she procured some of these things. Not everything can be found in Jackson. 

He doesn’t see any desserts.

As if she just read his thoughts, Charlie says: “There’s apple pie and pumpkin pie in the oven.” She‘s almost as excited as Ellie. “I estimate they’ll be ready when we finish eating so, chop-chop.” Charlie goes to the kitchen and Ellie follows her. 

The girl had already gotten her gift. Ellie loved the book, she was apparently already halfway through it. She rolled her eyes at Charlie’s joke (“Maybe it’ll help you, y’know... Love in the time of cholera? Isn’t it...” Ellie had sent her pillow flying at Charlie’s direction. The older woman only laughed.), but still enjoyed the read. It’s different than the comic books she’s used to, but it’s interesting and it might help her out in her English classes.

But Joel, like Ellie, also deserves a gift. Charlie thinks they might not realize it, but her iPod working again was truly a lifesaver. She had a refuge when she couldn’t be around too many people, or when she wasn’t concentrated enough to read. She remembered her brother in the nicest way, listening to the songs he liked. It hurts so much still, but holding onto his memories is the only thing she can do now. So she’ll do just that. Truthfully, giving Ellie an important book for her and gifting Joel with a meal seems underwhelming, considering they managed to reunite her with some memories she’d forgotten. Either way, Charlie will do whatever she can to show them how indebted she feels to them.

And she’s not just talking about the iPod.

Joel can hear water running but he just stands there, planted. He can’t quite believe his luck.

Charlie approaches him from behind. “Joel.” She reaches out and touches his arm. He jumps. “Oh, sorry. I um, just...,” She takes a step back. “You should wash your hands so we can eat.” She purses her lips. Ellie is at the table, waiting for the two of them. 

Joel walks to his kitchen and leans on the sink. His head is dipped. He’s so overwhelmed with emotions, so many of them at the same time, that he needs a moment to himself. This is _too_ nice, he’s _too_ lucky, he doesn’t deserve _any_ of this. Dog distracts him, nudging him with his head. Joel pulls himself together, exhales slowly and pets the dog, before washing his hands. 

They are waiting for him, talking about one of Ellie’s class, when he sits down on the head of the table. Charlie is on his left, Ellie on his right. He needs to keep the emotions down, but... He’s loving this. The _familiarity_ of it.

“Wait. Tommy...,” he says, suddenly remembering.

“He’s in on it.” Ellie’s looking smug. “We had to get you outta the house, man!” She exclaims. Charlie laughs quietly. “Now, c’mon. I’m starving and I spent too long helping Charlie cook all this.” Ellie motions for the turkey, but Charlie stops her.

“Uh-uh-uh. That’s not how Thanksgiving works.” She shakes her head. 

“Ugh, Charlie!,” Ellie groans. Joel laughs quietly. 

“Before we eat,” the woman keeps talking, as if she hadn’t been interrupted, “we have to go around and say what we’re thankful for. In my house, we held each other’s hands, but we don’t have to do that.” 

Ellie is way ahead of her and stretches her hands out, to Joel and Charlie. They take her hand. When Charlie looks at Joel, she sees a glimpse of something in his eyes, but it goes as quickly as it comes. He puts his hands on the table, palms up. Charlie takes it, trying to ignore the tiny electric discharge it gives her. 

“Um, anyways. Yeah, we have to say what we’re thankful for. Something like...,” she trails off, mumbling. She’s buying herself some time because suddenly all she thinks about is the feel of Joel’s hands on her. The last time he had his hand on hers was... “Ok! I’ll start. I’m thankful for Jackson, for taking care of me all those months ago. I’m thankful for a fully charged iPod, so I can hear my music.” Charlie winks at Ellie, who smiles. “And I’m thankful for Dog, always.” She looks at Joel.

He’s too overwhelmed. Joel has always been painfully aware of how much he’d lost, of the bad things he had done, the terrible things people around him had done to him. He never once stopped to think about what he’s thankful for. Although right now he can think of two people he’s thankful for. And it’s not just because he’s looking at them.

“I’m thankful for having a roof over my head,” he says, after a while. “I’m thankful for the safety of Jackson. And I’m thankful for this meal in front of me.” Here, his eyes wander to Charlie. He’s thankful for her. He’s so thankful for her.

“Okay...” Ellie speaks, bringing him back to reality. She closes her eyes, though no one asks her to do that. “I’m thankful for my friends and movie night. I’m thankful for patrol training.” Her eyes are still closed. She stops talking for a moment. They wait. “Also, I’m thankful for Joel, for giving me guitar lessons, and I’m thankful for Charlie, for giving me crossbow lessons.”

Ellie opens her eyes and sees them smile at her. They both look pretty stupid, she thinks. She’s very proud of herself. The girl removes her hands from theirs and starts eating right away. She’s starving. 

Ellie doesn’t notice that Charlie and Joel hold hands for a few seconds too long. 

They’re both emotional.

Charlie removes her hand slowly and grabs the green bean casserole to put on her plate. Joel feels a ghost of touch on his left hand the entire meal.

Afterward, they clean up. Joel washes the dishes, Ellie dries them with a dishtowel and Charlie puts them back where they belong. It doesn’t escape either of the adults how domestic this all is, though Ellie is oblivious. They decide to watch a movie on Joel's living room and, after much debate, settle on one Ellie chose. It's not at all surprising they would cave. When Ellie falls asleep in the middle, Joel picks her up and takes her to a spare bedroom. Charlie follows suit and tucks her in, while Joel removes her sneakers, putting them on the floor.

The door closes behind Joel.

“That’s still weird to me,” she says. “Sleeping without shoes, I mean. We had to be prepared to leave at all times...” There's a pause. “I still haven’t taken off my boots to sleep here.” 

Joel knows what she’s talking about. For many years, in the beginning, when he was trying to find a safe place, he and Tommy would crash anywhere with a roof. They would take turns sleeping and taking watch, but if anything happened, the smallest sound, they’d have to be up and ready to make a run for it. So, shoes stayed on. In his last days in the quarantine zone, Joel slept fully clothed and with his shoes on as well. He had done many things that could possibly make him have to flee, defend himself or just lay low for a while. Taking off your shoes in these times is a sign of comfort. He does that here, in Jackson. He’s comfortable here. 

Charlie, apparently, is not.

“Yeah... Takes a while, I guess.” They stand there awkwardly. Joel wants so desperately to keep talking to her, to have her there still, but they’ve been together for hours now. They’ve exhausted every subject and can now have nothing further to say. He can’t think of anything. Until he does. “Wanna have a drink?” Joel asks, somewhat eagerly. 

Charlie scoffs. “No, thanks. I don’t think I’m ever drinking again.” She scrunches her nose, frowning.

She sees the disappointment on his face. Couldn't have missed it. 

Joel's thinking she regrets kissing him. She was drunk and he was there, maybe it was just a coincidence, nothing to read into it. Though read into it he did ever since that day. Did she even want to kiss him? He thought she wasn't interested in men, he heard when Maria said Charlie had rejected Andrew, despite his best efforts. He also knows about her having a girlfriend at some point, so he assumed. He dared to hope, but in the back of his mind, he had all the information to connect two and two. She’s not interested. It was a mistake. His heart sinks a bit, but there’s not much he can do. 

“We must get going,” she says, looking at Dog, who whines quietly. She bites her lips, giving Joel a small smile.

“I’ll walk you out then.” 

So that’s that, he thinks. Joel spent so much time thinking about that kiss, thinking about _her_ , and it was for nothing. 

He manages to forget every reason he has not to be in a relationship, not to attach himself to someone else, not to develop feelings. 

This world is unforgiving. He mustn’t let his guard down. What if anything happens to her? He’s not exactly that alluring, his past is complicated, how willing is he to let someone in? He has Ellie. All the caring and worrying he can still muster can only be directed to that girl.

He forgets all of that and wonders how good it would feel if Charlie just kissed him again. 

Charlie stands outside his house, on the porch, lingering. Joel places his hand in the doorframe and smiles at her. Whatever the nature of their relationship, he likes being around her and he _is_ thankful for her. 

“I don’t think I thanked you for all that, by the way,” he says. Sure he’s resigned to her not wanting him, but he still likes talking to her, still likes being around her. He’ll postpone parting ways with Charlie as long as he can.

She smiles. “You did.” At Joel’s frown, she says: “It was in your little Thanksgiving speech.”

“Oh, right.” His eyebrows shoot up in remembrance. “I forgot.” 

Charlie bites the inside of her cheek. “I didn’t.” Her eyes are intense.

She had been thinking about this all night. She knows that she can only gather enough courage to do this now, as she’s about to leave. Now, when he’s least expecting it. Now, when she can just turn around and leave and not immediately face the consequences of her actions. She will do this and then she’ll go back to her room and think about it. Not like last time, when she kissed him and immediately crashed in her bed, waking up with a headache and a fuzzy memory of what had happened. That’s not good. She has to remember. She wants to remember. 

Charlie puts her hand in the exact place she’d put that night, in the middle of his chest. She can feel, under her hands, the small breath he hitched. Once again, she stands on her tiptoes and, slowly and deliberately, kisses him, this time on his lips. Right away, Joel reacts, kissing her back gently and putting his hand on her lower back. There are two layers of clothing and Charlie still feels the electricity, still reacts like she could feel his skin on hers. It’s a small, tender kiss. Neither of them will sleep well that night.

She parts from him, biting her lips, and smiles. One of her hands is still on his chest and she can feel his heartbeat. Unmistakably fast. This time, she can’t resist and puts her other hand on his face, rubbing her thumb on his cheek. She likes this face so, this rugged yet gentle face. 

Joel blinks slowly but otherwise doesn’t react. 

He can’t quite believe his luck.

Charlie takes a step back, bids him a shy good night and goes home, with Dog at her side.

—

In the beginning, it’s easy. Being away from Charlie does the trick. And there are so many things in Jackson to keep Joel busy. He goes out on patrol, he’s on tower duty, he helps building new houses, repairs old ones. Eugene’s car broke down a while back and he even helped with that. 

Whenever he’s around her, though, his resolve disappears. The wondering comes back. It creeps up on him all of sudden and slowly at the same time. He wonders how soft her skin is. He knows how soft her lips are, but what about her wrist? That spot on her neck, just behind her ear? That stretch of skin beginning on her clavicles, in between her breasts, the dip in her stomach… If he’s feeling bold, he thinks about his lips on other places. He wonders how it all would feel. Charlie running her finger through his hair, gripping his arms, embracing him until there’s not an inch of air between them. 

But he drives away these thoughts. Or tries too, anyway.

Until Charlie infiltrates his dreams. He remembers that one vividly. It’s one of the few recurring dreams that don’t hurt. In fact, in it he finds some semblance of happiness. It _feels_ like happiness, though he can’t tell. It’s been a while since he’s felt this way. In that dream, she’s lying on her front, completely naked. Her arms are crossed under her head and she’s looking at him. She’s all soft edges to his rough touches. He runs a finger on her back, stopping when he reaches the slightest curve. In his dreams, she giggles.

Joel wonders if he can atone to his doings by making this one woman happy. The noises she makes in his dreams sound a lot like forgiveness. 

He’s never heard her giggle. He’s seen her smile when they are with Ellie, talking about life from before, teaching her how to shoot an arrow, sharing one earbud with her and introducing the girl to her favorite songs. These days, Charlie throws her smile with a lot less caution. Tommy has been on the recipient side, so has Maria. The kids she teaches amuse her. 

Joel thinks there’s a specific smile, one she reserves to him, one he can only see when she’s looking at him. He doesn’t know if he’s observant or if it’s just wishful thinking.

But he hasn’t heard her giggle. He’s heard her laugh out loud when Ellie had one of her joke books and they were having dinner at Joel’s. When they are bickering and it’s fun and Joel manages to blurt out something that amuses her.

Joel’s never heard her giggle. He doesn’t know if Charlie even does that. 

He thinks he wants to find out.

—

Charlie sees Joel strumming in his guitar, on his porch. The melodies waft through her and she likes it, it makes her a little less nervous. She knows what she’s about to do. A part of her is afraid, but she knows she wants this, it’s one of the few things she’s sure about. So she walks up to his porch and sits down on the other chair.

It’s late at night, too late. Joel plays his guitar for a little while longer then stops.

“Can’t sleep?” He asks, still not looking at her.

“Can’t sleep.” They both look out his porch onto the town. Most of the lights have gone out, though the street lights still pave the way for the occasional night-owl. There’s a pleasant silence between them, even if Charlie is nervous. “I seem to recall a drink you offered me a while back.”

Joel huffs out a laugh. “Thought you said you were never drinkin’ again.” 

“What can I say?” She shrugs. It doesn’t escape her how easy it is to be comfortable around him, how this back and forth makes her feel at ease. “I’m a walking contradiction.” 

“C’mon, I’ll fix us somethin’,” he says, putting his guitar down and standing up. Charlie follows him, but instead of sitting on his kitchen chair, she just stands next to the counter, looking at him. “Your dog not an insomniac?”

Charlie chuckles. “He’s with Ellie, actually. I asked her to look after him tonight.” 

He just hums and doesn’t ask any more questions, even though she wants him to. Joel is concentrated at this menial task of putting ice on two glasses and pouring a drink. It’s a skill that takes a considerable amount of concentration when one's thinking about a lot of things at once. It goes over his head, what she said to him, because he’s thinking about why she’s here. If she can’t sleep, why not walk around the town? Listen to some music? Read something? 

Why is she _here_?, he wonders.

She silently thanks him when he hands her her glass and they toast with their drinks, though they don’t say what they’re celebrating. Charlie still makes a face with her first sip, Joel still laughs. Though now it’s not as much an amused laugh as it is an endearing one. It’s a smile that comes from recognition and repetition and familiarity. He’s looking at her like they’ve done this so many times. 

It’s hard to miss the fondness in his eyes as he glances at her. So she does what she came here to do.

Charlie places her glass on his counter, stands before him and removes his glass from his hand, putting it on the counter next to hers. Joel is leaning on the counter behind him, and he just watches her but doesn’t dare to move. Any sudden and unexpected gesture from him and it might scare her off. No, he doesn’t want that. He wants whatever it is she came here to do. Most of all, he wants her. A slither of hope surges when he thinks she could be anywhere, and yet she’s here.

Why _is_ she here?, he wonders.

Not long after, his question is answered. Charlie ends the distance between them, gently placing a hand on his face and kissing him. Joel wants to respond with a lot more passion, but he manages to rein himself in. She must dictate the pace, he thinks. So he kisses her softly, embracing her. He wonders how can she not listen to his heartbeat, it’s so loud. 

Her own heart is thumping inside her chest. This is _it_ , she thinks. It feels right, this moment with this man at this point in time. It just feels _right_.

They separate after a while, but this time Charlie doesn’t take a step back. Instead, she kisses him again, now with a little more passion. Joel turns them, so that she’s the one leaning on the counter, and presses himself on her as they kiss. She sighs into the kiss and it’s the most lovely sound he’s ever heard. He wants to hear more of it. There’s something gnawing in the back of his mind though, so he breaks the kiss and looks at Charlie. 

“You ain’t leaving, are you?” His forehead rests on her own and they’re panting.

“What?” Charlie seems confused. Joel breaks away just enough so his eyes meet hers.

“You kiss me, you say ‘good night’ and you leave.” He gets distracted looking at her lips. His eyes so intense, she thinks, when he looks at her. “So I’m asking you if you’re leaving tonight.”

Charlie blushes. So he _has_ noticed. “I’m not leaving.” 

“Okay, good.” Joel kisses her, more feverishly now. 

That night, all of his questions regarding Charlie are answered.

The other sounds she makes are just as lovely as her sighs.

Her skin has a lot of scars, like his. They're as soft as her lips, the skin on her wrist, that spot on her neck just behind her ears, that stretch of skin beginning on her clavicles, in between her breasts, the dip in her stomach. Other places are soft too.

And she’s here, in his house, because of _him_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess that was it then. I made so many last minute changes lol even after I'd written the notes at the beginning.
> 
> it's SO CLOSE to ending, fellas! I'm really glad.
> 
> toodles :)


	9. They comfort me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy s h i t  
> i hit a motherfucking lull that took me ~~WEEKS~~ MONTHS to get out of. 
> 
> i'm still not 100%, which is why i'm not that satisfied with this ending. i wish i could go back to the mindset i had when i started writing this fic, feverishly, waking up in the early hours because i thought of something. at this point, i just want to finish because 1) i almost never finish my fics, but i adore this one. mostly because of what it meant. it's not perfect writing, but i like some bits and pieces. and 2) you all deserve it, everyone who gave me kudos, commented or just read the fic. i owe to you all, to myself and to these characters i love an ending.

Joel thinks he’s had enough of this.

It’s usually the same. He’s at his porch, with his guitar. Charlie arrives and sits down on a chair next to him. He offers her a drink, a glass of water, a cup of coffee. They come inside. They talk. About nothing in particular, just small talk. At some point, she kisses him. He’s too careful with her to ever initiate anything, so it always begins with her. They move to his bedroom and sleep together. In the morning, he wakes up and she’s gone. It usually goes like this. 

There are nights, though, when Charlie doesn’t come. He strums in his guitar, as always, waiting. He never knows how long he waits there for her, but it must be a few hours. When she doesn’t show up, he enters his home defeated and goes to bed alone, questioning if he did something wrong, if she regrets something. He never sleeps well in those nights. But he comes to learn that he doesn’t have to wait long. Eventually, Charlie shows up.

And then there are nights when Joel doesn’t have to offer her a drink. He’s fiddling with his guitar when she arrives but, instead of sitting down, she stands before him, hand reaching out. He knows by now that, in those nights, there’s not a lot of small talk. He just puts his guitar down, holds her hand and lets her lead him to his bedroom, quietly. Inside, Charlie kisses him. She’s always the one to kiss him first. 

But now Joel feels like he can’t take much more of this. 

Not the sleeping, or lack thereof, part. That part he likes. Too much. It has rekindled in him something he thought was dead, it has brought up these thoughts and feelings he thought were long gone. The sweet nothings she whispers, the words of affirmation, the way his name sounds when coming from her lips. He loves all of it.

Joel loves Charlie.

That much, he knows. It did take him a while to admit that to himself, though he’s sure any idiot would’ve figured that out a lot sooner. But he knows and he’s okay with that. It doesn’t scare him quite so much, not now, not with this woman. He has no interest in pulling her away. It’s because he loves her that he’s had enough. 

He’s tired of waking up alone. 

It’s a beautiful day outside, barely any clouds in the sky. As he walks around town, he can see everyone go about their lives. As he passes some people, he greets them. This town is like a well-oiled machine, he thinks. Its moving parts a testament to Maria’s strength. Right by the diner, he can see Mila and a new man, who arrived recently in Jackson, carrying food into the kitchen. He greets them as well, thinking that that was odd. Charlie had kitchen duty that morning, she’d told him that, but it doesn’t look like she’s there. If she was, she’d be helping those people out. Maybe she traded assignments?

Joel knocks on the front door of the house Charlie’s been staying at ever since she got there. Some old woman he doesn’t know answers the door. He has a feeling she was part of the group that showed up in Jackson a while back.

“Oh, hello. What can I do for you?”

“Is Charlie around?”

“Hm,” she hesitates, looking inside. “I don’t think so, I’ve been here all morning. But you can go see if she’s in there.” She opens the door for him and he goes straight to Charlie’s room. He’s not in a hurry, though his steps are determined. When Joel opens Charlie’s door, he sees her room is empty. There’s no one there, nothing at all. That night, when she was drunk and he ended up in her room, he’d already thought she didn't keep a lot of things. 

Now, it’s completely empty. No more books piling up on her desk. The pictures of her family are no longer there. There’s no iPod charging on her nightstand. She's gone, it’s the very first thing on his mind.

He leaves, ignoring the old woman. In the distance, Joel sees a group of teenagers, Ellie among them. He thinks it’s better than nothing, Ellie is friends with her. Maybe she knows something.

“Hey, kiddo.” 

“What’s up, old man?” Ellie looks at him with those big eyes and he thinks that if Charlie really did leave, the girl would be as upset as he would. She doesn’t deserve that, she doesn’t deserve anyone else leaving her life. Not anymore. It would break her heart.

“Have you seen Charlie?” He wants to seem detached, nonchalant. 

“Not today, no. Why?”

“No reason, jus’… lookin’ for her.” Joel leaves, making his way to the East gate. 

He's out of earshot when Jesse turns to Ellie and asks: “Why is your dad looking for his girlfriend?” 

Jesse is on patrol and he’s got tower duty, so he knows about Charlie and Joel. It’s not an outspoken thing, but he’s seen her (and Dog, on a few occasions) leave the old man’s house enough times in the early morning to understand what’s going on. He had never said anything before, but the idea of annoying Ellie is too enticing.

“Ugh, you’re an asshole, Jesse,” she complains, rolling her eyes at him. Dina just shakes her head. “That’s… too much.”

“Which part? The dad part or the girlfriend part?”

“Shut up.” With that, she leaves. Dina goes after her and Ellie can’t help but feel a tinge of joy because of that. 

Ellie doesn’t know what Jesse’s talking about, but she can take a wild guess. Joel hasn’t said anything to her and neither has Charlie, but she can tell some things are different. Charlie was always fun to be around, but now she seems much more relaxed, at home. And one time, Ellie went to see Joel and caught him humming while carving out something on his woodworking station. Humming. 

‘Fucking finally,’ she thinks.

Joel, however, seems too preoccupied to be humming right now. 

‘That’s it’, he thinks. She left. As the pain and sadness well up inside him, he can’t help but think back to all those nights. The nights when she slept over at his house. In those nights, he found out that, when he runs his finger over her back and reaches the slightest curve, she doesn’t giggle. It’s more a sigh, mixed in with a small chuckle. Her eyes are so intense he thinks he can’t look away. Even if he tried. Even if he wanted to.

Which he didn’t. He doesn’t. 

She left. 

He’s always known she would leave. Maria told him as much when Charlie first arrived in Jackson and she’s talked about it once in a while, mentioning she had things to do once she was better from her wounds. But she’s been better for quite some time, whatever she had to do outside had already been done. Charlie chose kitchen duty, she liked coming up with new ways to use the ingredients they have in Jackson. She taught the kids how to shoot arrows and they were all better equipped to deal with the outside world because of her. She watched movies with Ellie, built a relationship with her. 

And she kissed him. Joel assumed that maybe these things would factor in her decision to stay, he thought that maybe she’d already decided to stay. In retrospect, he can see she would leave eventually. Charlie was still living in the newcomer’s house, she was still holding on to the past and there was that conversation they had the first time she kissed him.

Maybe she got tired of Jackson, then. Maybe it’s too much to follow someone else’s rules and have to be a part of society. Joel really did think that was in the past, but there’s so much he doesn’t know about Charlie. And he never will, because she’s gone.

He’s so deep in thought he doesn’t hear when the East gates open. He doesn’t hear the bark. He does, however, feel the wet snout on his hand and hear when someone says “Hey, Charlie”. Dog is at his feet, demanding to be pet. Joel turns around and looks at her, ignoring him completely. 

She’s coming down of Shimmer, putting the horse away on the stable and signing the log. When Charlie turns around, she throws him a small smile. Joel looks like he got the wind knocked out of him. Which it has, in a way. His feet are glued to the ground. 

When she gets closer, he can see her hair is wet and her tank top is damp in a few places. She carries her jacket in her arms.

“Hi,” Charlie says. He doesn’t miss the small blush on her face. She looks so timid and lovely and he wants to hold her so.

“You were…,” he points at the gate. He can’t think of anything. Suddenly, there she was, in front of him, and all of what was on his mind vanishes. There’s her and only her. 

“Outside, yeah. I went for a swim.” When she first arrived in Jackson, Charlie asked Maria about a lake nearby. She wanted to go outside, feel the sun and the water at the same time, hitting her skin like she scarcely had allowed it to do before. So much caution, so much worry. There was no time to enjoy herself and she had rejected that, the idea of enjoying herself. How could Charlie enjoy anything after... everything? How can one find happiness after so much sadness, so much hurt and pain?

Still, little by little, she started allowing herself some tiny pockets of happiness here and there. She allowed herself to enjoy other people's company, to laugh in the presence of the children and the young people she taught, to kiss and be kissed and love and be loved. It's not enough to make the pain go away and sometimes she still woke up feeling like she couldn't breathe. But it's something, a slither of life amidst all the death. And it helps her be alive, it helps her _want_ to be alive.

It's _something_ and she'll take it.

Charlie starts walking and Joel does the same, walking by her side. He doesn't know where he's going but – and he knows this now – he'll follow her wherever she goes. 

She doesn’t say anything, neither does he. Joel is too busy calming himself down to come up with anything to say. Charlie is peaceful, but she’s got some thinking to do. She doesn’t quite know how to break the news to Joel yet or how he’ll take it. They've been... together enough times, so even if they haven't quite defined what they are, this isn’t the worst idea. Yet, Charlie can’t figure out a way to tell him. Until Maria passes by them.

“How was the move?,” she asks, grinning, stopping in front of the two. Joel looks confused at Maria, who as always gives a light pat on Dog's head. “Exhausting?”

Charlie laughs, though a slight pang of worry hits her. “Oh it's not over yet, I got a moving truck coming with the rest of my stuff.” They are joking around. It all goes over Joel’s head, even if he's paying close attention. Maria bids them goodbye and goes on her way. The silence returns and Charlie wonders if he knows by now, if he understands it.

Either way, he seems to be following her and soon they find themselves in front of a house. Joel knows this house, he help build it right after he got in Jackson. It's been empty since the people who used to live there left the town. He never really understood what made them go away and was honestly a bit angry after having worked on that house. The peacefulness of Jackson, the tranquility and safety. Who would be crazy enough to leave that place?

Charlie motions to open the door and Joel speaks for the first time. "What are you doing?"

She sighs, entering the house. "I need to settle in." Surely, he must know. He must understand now that she has decided to stay. 

Once Dog enters the house, he goes straight to his food bowl at the kitchen. Charlie follows him, grabbing an apple and the box with her stuff, sitting atop the table. She starts picking the books, one by one, while eating. The ones she collected before she even arrived in Jackson, the ones she found while on missions outside, left by people on a hurry to find a safe place. Then, she goes to the living room – something she has now, that she didn't think she would ever have again – and starts placing them on the the shelves.

Joel finds himself once again glued to his spot. He can see from the entrance the kitchen, notices Charlie moving about the house, organizing her stuff. She needs to settle in, she said. She's not leaving apparently. It should've made him happy, it should've brought him peace. It does, a bit. Which is why is all the more surprising to Joel when he feels... frustrated. 

“So you’re staying here?”, he says, walking in, standing on the doorway between the kitchen and the living room. There's enough space there for Charlie to go from one room to the other, but it feels like he is trying to hinder her efforts. She's confused and starts second guessing herself. Of course she's staying and her relationship with Joel, whether it exists or not, is not changing that. Still, that's not how she expected he'd take the news.

"Yes."

"You're staying _here_?" It's the tone of his voice that alarms the both of them. What is he getting at?, she thinks. Was Charlie not supposed to stay? And what was so wrong with that house?

"I can't exactly stay in my old room–" She's going back to the kitchen when Joel interrupts her.

"I'm not talking about _that_ place." It takes him some time to realize where his words are leading him. He was just trudging along his words, speaking without thinking that much, until he reached that realization, not without with some difficulty. He's obviously not upsetting Charlie's staying, but he feels a tinge of sorrow that she has decided to stay _there_. 

Charlie stops, her back to him, and lifts both her arms. “Where else would I stay?”, she asks, carefully removing her parents' watches from the box, thinking of a place to keep them.

“Not _here_.” 

Charlie stops. It takes her a few seconds to understand what he means. It sounds too flippant and too unlike Joel to even be suggesting that she moves in with him, so she only confirms she's correct when she turns around and looks at him. Joel's got a very serious, yet vulnerable expression on his face. Not _that house_ , in her old room, where she's been staying since she arrived in Jackson. Not _here_ , in this big, empty house. Not without _him_.

Charlie doesn't want to say no, it might sound like a rejection. She's also not saying yes. 

The day before, when she'd told Maria she'd be staying, the older woman soon enough brought up this house. Charlie was almost thrilled. It was a big place, with lots of space. She had a kitchen all to herself now, her own bathroom, with a big bathtub. It would be a good place to be alone with herself, to allow some thoughts to reach her and not completely destroy her. She'd be alone, but there were people there for her. Charlie knew that. The fact that Joel's house was not too far from hers also raised some flags regarding Maria. Nothing got past that woman, apparently.

But Charlie wanted a place for herself, those quiet moments alone. So, she decides not to say no or yes to Joel's implicit invitation. Instead, she reaches her hand out to him and, when he takes it, she walks towards the couch, sitting right before him. Joel takes a while and sits next to her. Quietly, Charlie puts her head on his shoulders and hums, comfortably, intertwining their fingers. 

Small miracles, he thinks. He'll take it. 

The initial upset wears off quickly and Joel smiles, even though he knows she can't see it. Charlie's got her eyes closed, so he does the same after giving her a soft kiss on her forehead and resting his head on hers.

"I worked on this house, y'know?", he says, after a while. Dog had joined them and rested his head on Joel's lap. When he speaks, Dog whines quietly, upset after having his rest disturbed. Joel pets his back to soothe him. Charlie notices but, like with almost everything else, doesn't bring it up. "Right at the beginning."

"Oh did you now?"

"Yeah. Laid the foundations, did most of the electrical part." Charlie hums quietly, still enjoying herself. "It's been the same ever since, I think."

After a while, Charlie speaks. "Sort of the same. There's no bed."

"Really?" Joel takes some distance to look at Charlie.

"Yeah. Apparently the old bed was riddled with termites, basically gone." Charlie says, looking up at him now. "After I told Maria I was staying, she came here to take a look and saw the bed mostly destroyed. So she told me that they have a mattress and that I should ask someone, maybe someone with carpentry skills..." At this, Joel smiles at her. "To, y'know, make me a new bed." She smiles.

"So, make you a bed." Joel takes his time. It's outlandish for him to think about that a few hours earlier he was dreading her departure. It feels all so distant now.

"Yup." He adjusts himself on the couch, making Dog get down. Joel looks straight at Charlie and her mischievous smile. 

"Might take me a while." 

"That's fine, I'll sleep on this sofa for now." She says, still smiling.

"The hell you are." In one swift motion, he picks up her legs, placing them on the couch, and getting on top of her. Charlie laughs out loud. Joel kisses her deeply and she places one hand on the back of his head, pushing him towards her. 

There's not a lot of room but they make do.

—

Later that night, they compare battle wounds on his bed.

When Joel sees her scars, his first instinct is to hold her. Since he’s already doing that, he yields in favor of kissing her old wounds and running a finger over them, slowly and softly. 

This one is from when I got trapped in barbed wire, trying to escape a horde of infected, she says, about a long one on her back.

This was from a fight in the compound, he says, showing her his forearm. 

Bomb shrapnel from when the QZ got invaded.

Gunshot wound from soldiers.

I got slashed by these hunters.

I got impaled by a steel beam.

“What?!,” Charlie asks, propping herself up on her elbows. She had seen this scar many, many times but finding out how he actually got that was much more real. Much scarier. 

Joel scoffs. This memory is not that distant, yet it feels from another life. “Was fightin’ this guy, we both fell from a ledge. He died, so I still got the better end of that deal.” He says nonchalantly, though he remembers those days well. Those were dark days. He doesn’t want to dwell on that much, so he focuses on the good part of this story. “Ellie saved my life. Took care of the wound, found some antibiotics. She’s the reason I’m alive today.”

Charlie doesn’t quite grasp the weight of his words, though she can take a wild guess. For now, Joel won’t tell her that _he’s_ the reason Ellie is alive today. 

"Are you gonna tell her?" Charlie asks, warily. "You know, about... us?"

After a while, Joel says: "I have a feeling she already knows." And he does. Neither of them has said anything, but Ellie is a smart girl. She's dropped some hints, here and there, that something is up with Joel and Charlie, but didn't say anything else. He's waiting for her to say something, while Ellie is doing the same. But this is a conversation for another moment. "Tomorrow. Let's think about that tomorrow."

Joel buries his head on Charlie's neck. She hums in agreement.

—

Joel wakes up. It's early, too early. The sun is barely out, a few rays seep through his blinds. He doesn't have any assignments this morning, so his hazy mind considers going back to sleep for a few more hours. When he turns around, he sees something he had never seen before. 

The sight of Charlie's back greets him, her hair spreading on the pillow. He sighs, smiling.

Joel's first instinct is to touch her lightly, but he's afraid he's gonna wake her up. He's afraid she's gonna wake up on a jolt, realizing she slept there by accident, and hastily leave his house. No, he doesn't want that. For now, Joel will maintain the fantasy of the reality that is having Charlie sleep over. With subtle movements, trying not to make a sound, he props himself up on his elbows. And then, he sees something else. On the floor.

Their clothes strewn about, his pants next to her jacket. Her bra is hanging from the corner of his bed, almost falling. His socks are on her shirt. And there, next to his shoes, are her boots.

It no longer feels like an accident. Charlie deliberately stayed there, she's finally felling comfortable in Jackson. And with him. So he gives up on his plans of not waking her up. He gently caresses her back until he feels her squirming. Charlie turns around and looks at him, smiling sleepily. Joel mirrors her.

“Mornin’, sweetheart.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, this is the end of this timeline. the final chapter is an epilogue that's mostly written. i will probably upload it this week or the next, idk. i don't feel like making promises right now.
> 
> see you then. sorry for disappearing and thanks for sticking it out with me.


End file.
